Hockey Puck Gains Sentience, Campaigns for Equal Rights


New York—The NHL is scrambling for answers after a regulation hockey puck suddenly gained the ability to talk and began demanding equal rights. The puck, who wished to be referred to simply as “Puck,” lamented the conditions other hockey pucks were subjected to, citing the preparation process of freezing them before games to reduce bouncing, the abuse suffered at the hands of players and referees throughout games, and the trauma of being tossed over glass to children who will take them home and abuse them further.

“It’s a travesty that my brothers and I must suffer such indignities! After all, we are the centerpiece of the sport. Without us, how would goals be scored? The NHL has focused on lining its grubby pockets with the cash gleaned from the suffering and abuse of us pucks, and I will not let this egregious abuse of power continue!” Puck cried, sitting upon a table in the NHL offices.

“The allegation that we abuse pucks is ludicrous,” Bill Daly argued. “Pucks are not living organisms, but pieces of rubber. The claims made by this puck that pucks are living creatures that are oppressed are absurd and laughable. The more important issue is how in the world a hockey puck gained the ability to talk. Who’s researching that?”

Gary Bettman was unable to be reached for comment, but sources close to the situation reported that he is “most displeased” about the incident, due to the negative publicity still hanging over the league after the lockout which erased half of the current season. Don Fehr was also unavailable for comment.

This is not the first time some form of hockey equipment somehow became cognizant and tried to bring attention to alleged injustices. A hockey stick famously “awoke” during the 2002-2003 Stanley Cup playoffs, describing in graphic detail the pain and anguish of being broken by an errant slapshot. The stick ceased talking shortly after it had begun, and many assume the stick had “died.”

The NHL has not yet issued a statement at this time, but it is being reported that Puck has been offered a chance to talk to players about his plight, and was even offered a personal audience with either Zdeno Chara or Shea Weber. It is unclear whether Puck has accepted this offer or not.

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