SOURCES: Sacramento group will move the Kings to Iceland

The Kings debate is finally over, and as usual with the Kings, nobody won. Seattle didn’t win, and now it appears Sacramento didn’t either, despite that a group from Sacramento bought the team and paid an insane $535 million for a team that would be on the dollar menu if it was sold at McDonalds.

According to sources, the group that bought the team actually intends to move it after all. Yes, an NBA team was purchased under false pretenses of keeping it in the same city. Imagine that. They aren’t moving it to Seattle though, they aren’t moving it anywhere even in North America. They’re moving it to Iceland.

That’s right, Iceland. Why so far away you ask? A spokesman for the group: “We want this team as far away from innocent, unsuspecting eyes as possible. Several Sacramento children have been scarred for life after watching this god awful team play. We’re moving them far far farrrrr away.”

They’ve got that right, Iceland is pretty damn far. But what about travel arrangements? Won’t it be a real pain to ask 29 other teams to travel back and forth to Iceland? No worries there. Since the Kings are already an automatic victory for another team, they’ll remain an automatic victory.

The 41 “home” games for the Iceland Kings will be automatic losses for the Kings and automatic wins for the other team so that they don’t have to travel there. That’s good for teams who need free wins like the Lakers who would screw up and lose to a team like the Kings on the road (they did last year).

But the team will still travel for all of its’ road games. They need the practice, and so do the teams they have to play. Plus who wouldn’t come to see the sideshow of an NBA team from Iceland? Plus, in true NBA fashion, they’ll keep the Kings name rather than change to a name actually appropriate for it’s new home.

The Kings will still function like a normal NBA team. They’ll make trades (if you’re a player potentially on the block, you better start praying that you don’t get traded to them now), they’ll call people “up” from the NBDL (it’s more like a demotion), and they’ll still do whatever it is they do now to build a team (draw names out of a hat?).

One common thought with the current roster is DeMarcus Cousins is going to be awfully fussy from all the intercontinental travel. So the team hired a full time babysitter. She will make sure he’s changed when he needs to be, he has his binky, and he has someone to watch him when the team decides they need some alone time without him.

It seems everything has been addressed (outside of two cities that actually wanted the team, but why would David Stern care about that?), so we’ll see how it goes. Watch out Iceland, you don’t know it (and you’ll probably never know it) but you’re about to get Jimmered.

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