The White House shuts down Notre Dame football


It’s been a rough year for Notre Dame football, having dropped 2 games already after not losing at all until the BCS title game last year (which was like getting handed with 5 losses at once). Well to be fair, it’s been more than a rough year, more like a rough few years, or a rough decade, or a rough few decades…well, you get the idea.

The school hasn’t really been relevant in football for 20 years, yet gets ranked every year, and disappoints, every year. It’s become an annual college football tradition, like watching Nick Saban suck the blood out of the opposing team’s coach after beating them by 40.But that tradition (Notre Dame, not the blood sucking one, Saban needs that to live) could be coming to an end. As part of the government shut down, the White House and President Obama have shut down the Notre Dame football team.

“We simply can’t afford to keep this team running,” President Obama said. “We’re out of resources. We burn through so much capital every single year hyping this team, and it always turns out to be a waste. If we had spent the money we’ve spent hyping Notre Dame on something more relevant, we probably could have cured cancer by now. So I’m shutting them down. I’m doing them a favor, honestly.” That sound you just heard was Lou Holtz throwing a fit like 10 year old girl not allowed to see a Justin Bieber concert.

Obama continued: “Frankly, I’m just as tired of hearing the Manti Te’o jokes as I am hearing about how “this is going to be the year” for Notre Dame football. Even my cabinet won’t stop with them. “Who’s running the invisible government now with everything shutdown, Lennay Kekua?” Har har har. Enough already. So I’m shutting this team down and putting the resources into something else, like finding a way for the Cubs to win a world series. But I’m not sure there’s enough money in the world for that.”

He’s got a point there. But with Notre Dame football gone, who will be the new go to team to be highly ranked and blow it every year? Florida State? Jameis Winston may have something to say about that. USC? They have no coach currently, which is a massive upgrade from Lane Kiffin. Texas? We’ll have to keep Mack Brown in power…that could get tricky, especially if Nick Saban decides he wants a whole new conference of coaches to suck blood from. Michigan? Very possible. #AppSt #Akron #UConn

One thing is for sure: finding a team to beat Notre Dame’s ability to be mocked won’t be as easy as finding one to beat it on the field was. We’ll miss you, Notre Dame.

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