The Jets vs the Unemployment Office: Who would win?


If the New York Jets played a team filled with players straight out of NFL unemployment, who would win? Let’s take a look at the lineups. We’re calling the offensive line a wash because no one’s really interested in detailed OL analysis on here. If you are, get help. Seriously.

First, let’s look at the Jets “offense.” (Offense is in quotes when you mention the Jets, for obvious reasons)


Projected lineup, New York Jets:

QB Mark Sanchez

RB Chris Ivory

RB Mike Goodson

WR Santonio Holmes

WR Stephen Hill

TE Kellen Winslow, Jr.


That’s a real NFL team. Yikes. Hill and Ivory have potential but, you know, Sanchez is at QB. After being signed on June 14, the soldier gets the automatic start at TE.

Now let’s look at the Unemployment office:


Projected lineup, Unemployment Office:

QB Vince Young (now that he’s slept through graduated college he finally gets a 2nd shot to suck less than Sanchez. shouldn’t be that hard.)

RB Willis McGahee

RB Beanie Wells (if he doesn’t get injured before he makes it to the field, which there’s a 50-50 chance of that. If so, go Cedric Benson instead, or another WR/TE)

WR Brandon Lloyd

WR Randy Moss (with the Brandons all he has to do is run deep, his favorite. even if he only feels like doing it 4 times in the game)

WR Brandon Stokley (Stokley makes the cut over his old teammate Dallas Clark, allowing Moss to stretch the field so he can get his slot on underneath.)


Pretty nice looking squad with some versatility. Yes, nice is a relative term with Vince Young at QB, but remember, this is the unemployment office.


Who has the edge on offense? There’s no one that wouldn’t take the unemployment office’s QB and RBs over the ones on the Jets. (except well, the Jets. Top notch scouting dept.) Wide receiver is where real arguments can be made. Santonio Holmes has talent, but is plagued with the disease of being an utter moron. Brandon Lloyd can catch about everything thrown his way, but has a similar disease of stupidity. Stephen Hill is a much younger Randy Moss, and Randy Moss is a much older Randy Moss. Winslow is faster than Stoke, but has hands of steel by comparison (and not of the Superman variety). The unemployment office has the clear edge, essentially across the board.


What about defense?


Projected lineup, Jets:

DE: Muhammad Wilkerson, Quinton Coples

DT: Sheldon Richardon

LB: Antwan Barnes, David Harris, Demario Davis, Calvin Pace

CB: Antonio Cromartie, Dee Milliner

S: Dawan Landry, Antonio Allen


The average NFL fan might only recognize like 2 names on this lineup but there’s some nice young talent here, especially upfront and at CB. No, really. There is. Seriously. Yes, the “Jets have talent,” may sound funny, but it’s actually true. In spots.

Let’s look at the Unemployment office.


Projected lineup, Unemployment Office:

DE: John Abraham, Kyle Vanden Bosch

DT: Richard Seymour, Casey Hampton

LB: Nick Barnett, Bart Scott, Thomas Howard

CB: Sheldon Brown, Jacob Lacey

S: Quentin Mikell, Kerry Rhodes


The youngest player on this defense is approximately 54 years old. Could be a problem. Will have to keep plenty of artificial bones, ensure, and pills on the sideline. Looks nice up front though, gets gradually worse the farther back you go. Playing the 4-3 to maximize the pass rush and minimize the embarrassment at corner. But considering they’re facing Sanchez, they’ll look like a pair of Champ Baileys out there (the normal one, not the Ravens playoff game toasted one).


Who has the edge on defense? Up front it’s tough, depends on your preferred style of defense. We’d have to give the edge to the unemployment office though, because the Jets are still very raw. And with the Jets’ luck in drafting, Sheldon Richardson could weigh 500 pounds before you finish reading this. LB is essentially a wash. Corner is a monstrous edge for the Jets. Cromartie and Milliner offer the flexibility to blitz Vince Young since they can handle a WR by themselves on an island (oh that word is probably a little touchy still, sorry Jets fans. but we didn’t say the R word.). Odds are Vince would throw underneath to whoever Cromartie was covering and let Antonio try and “tackle” him. (again, when it comes to Antonio Cromartie, quotes are definitely needed around tackle) Due to Wilkerson, Cromartie, and Milliner, we gotta give the edge to the Jets here. (Yay the Jets won something! Unbelievable!)


Special Teams: Again, we’re calling it a wash. Probably doing a favor for the Jets with this one (lord knows they need it).


Prediction: As usual with the Jets, it comes down to Mark Sanchez. While it looks like the Jets could keep it close with their D, it won’t matter if that D is on the field for 58 of the 60 minutes thanks to 27 Mark Sanchez turnovers. Geno Smith comes in and maybe it’s different but this is Rex Ryan we’re talking about. He’s admitted how awful Mark Sanchez is and he continues to start him anyway. “But he showed real promise today: he completed a hell of swing pass. To a guy on offense!” Sure he did Rex, sure he did. We’ll take the unemployment office in a close game that becomes another Jet blowout loss: 38-15. (yes, that’s 5 field goals for the Jets, obviously) Poor Jets fans are going to all end up in AA meetings by the end of 2013. “I’m Jim, and thanks to Rex Ryan, I’m an alcoholic.” “Hi Jim! He did it to us too!” Fat bastard strikes again.

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