Johnny Manziel changes name to “Future Bust”


Despite previously stating he would go pro in something other than sports ( Johnny Manziel has changed his mind and “turned pro,” and will be able to start getting paid as a professional for the “first” time. Well, the first time actually above the table and legally anyway.

In preparation for his new career, he has made a major change. No, he hasn’t stopped drinking, he’s still technically in college till May so it’s not considered alcoholism yet. No, he hasn’t stopped autographing, if anything he’s going to be autographing more now that the NCAA won’t be demanding a cut from it. He’s changed his name, from Johnny Manziel to “Future Bust.” The “Johnny Football” days are officially over, the “Future Crazy Alcoholic” days have begun.


Bust and Justin Blackmon will get along great

Why the name change? “I’m going to end up in Cleveland or Jacksonville, so this shouldn’t be surprising,” said Bust, in between sips out of a Johnnie Walker Black label bottle. “This just eases expectations. If they all assume I’m going to be a future bust, then I don’t even have to bother trying and I can spend more time with my boys Johnnie, Jack and Jim. (takes another sip) Love Johnnie. Been drinking Johnnie out of my water bottle all year and none of you knew. Fools. Hahahahaahahaha”

He then chugged the rest of the bottle and threw it against the wall. “Still got it baby. Oh and now that my name is bust, I’m going to be signing busts 24/7. Where the white women at? This press conference needs more boobies.” His phone started ringing. “Oh what a surprise…it’s Katherine. I guess she already gave up on Winston ( I gotta go. The NCAA can kiss my ass, and McCarron’s a little bitch. Bust out.” And with that, he was gone.


A Bust autographed bust

What has the name change done for his draft prospects? Ask scouts and it sounds like it’s actually improved his stock.

“He’s become so much more intriguing to us since the name change. It’s like he was born to be a Brown,” said an anonymous Browns scout.

“He sounds exactly like our kinda guy. He’s moved right up our board behind the 5 long snappers and punters on the top of our list,” said a Jaguars scout.

“He doesn’t run a 4.3 but man, it’s hard to argue with a great name like that.” said a Raiders scout.


This could be the future, if there’s a defender running the other way with the ball.

Where will Bust end up? Who knows. One thing is for sure: cities like Houston, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Oakland better stock up on liquor. And fast.


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