Johnny Manziel: Dehydrated oversleeper or Epic drunk?


Johnny Manziel has such a rough life. He’s a starting QB at an elite Big 12 SEC (the Big 12 would like to again say thanks, Longhorn Network) school with a girlfriend (and lord only knows how many side chicks) most guys would cut multiple limbs off for and still have no chance at. But he’s struggling with the constant media/blogger/random guy with a notepad coverage that comes from playing in the only conference that plays college football (at least according to the NCAA. And the BCS. And SEC fans. And ESPN.).

Johnny Manziel's "Rough Life"

Johnny Manziel’s “Rough Life”

And now that he’s won the Heisman, the spotlight’s been all over him. Joke (not the “funny haha” kind the “I want to torch my TV after seeing this” kind) headline features like “Coming up next: The tweet Johnny Football sent that you will NOT believe!” are occurring on a regular basis. Basically, he’s the LeBron of College Football, just with a lot more hair (and 2 fewer titles). It doesn’t matter what he says or does, the media buys every bit of it or makes up excuses for him.

Example scenarios:

Manziel: “I did a line of coke off of a hooker while driving and smoking a blunt last night.”

Media: “Oh it’s fine, he’s just a kid.”

Manziel: “Hahahaha I got a 12 on that 3rd grade Math test, I’m so dumb.”

Media: “He plays football, why would he need to be able to add 5+6?”

Manziel: “I pulled a gun on Mike Evans as a joke last night. You should’ve seen his face.”

Media: “We all make jokes all the time. Johnny Football is so funny.”


You get the idea. He has a permanent get out of jail free card. And yet, he’s still not happy. He tweeted (and quickly deleted) how he “can’t wait to leave College Station” and that we should “spend a day in his shoes.” Hey Johnny: anyone would like to spend a day in your shoes. Hell, if you’re giving them up so easily, a couple years. And these tweets were over a parking ticket, something an average college student gets about 47 of. Poor baby…was the limo in the shop? Did your chauffeur have the night off?


Look at his sweet “innocent” face

Now, after leaving the Manning Passing Academy early, he claims he was “dehydrated” and that he “overslept,” but refuses to answer questions that he was drinking despite being photographed out the night before. So that must’ve been “water” in his glass, “oregano” in that little baggie, and those girls were just “friends” coming back to “study.” It all makes sense now. Who hasn’t been drained from a long night of “studying” that they can’t get up for work? Maybe he really is dehydrated.

That poor kid. He has it so rough. We should make a commercial about his rough life complete with Sarah McLachlan music playing. We can even start a “Help Johnny Football” fund. Maybe that would make him feel better. He just needs some water and sleep and can’t afford it since he “isn’t being paid.” So go donate now to the “Help Johnny Football” fund. Before it’s too late.


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