Kobe Bryant’s plan to fix the Lakers: “Cut my teammates. All of ‘em.”

It’s been a rough year for the Lakers so far, mostly because they don’t play in the Eastern Conference (as of 12/9 they’d be the 4th seed in the East, they’re a game and a half out of the playoffs in the West).  But now: Kobe’s back, so all their problems are solved, right? Right? Hello? Helloooooooooo? *crickets*

According to Kobe fans, yes all the Lakers problems are solved. He’s going to rip off 6 straight MVPs, they’ll win 6 straight titles, and they won’t lose another game until 2019, when Kobe retires to run for president. #KobeIn2020

According to rest of the world? Eh…not so much (Kobe for prez isn’t a bad idea though. He’d cut all of Washington DC, which would certainly be an improvement.).

It took about 2 hours for that plan to blow up in their face (you’d have a better chance of winning the lottery 17 times in a row), as they lost at home to a 6-12 Raptors team that is openly giving up on the season to tank for Wiggins like the rest of the Eastern Conference teams that aren’t named the Pacers or Heat (For example: they dumped Rudy Gay on Sacramento for an old pair of socks and 50 cents off Shake and Bake. Kyle Lowry’s being offered around for something off the dollar menu.).

Naturally, Kobe wasn’t happy. This is what Kobe thinks of himself so far:

"Right now my form is a horse shit form," Kobe Bryant confessed after his 22.2% shooting night with 8 turnovers vs. Toronto.

— Ben Maller (@benmaller) December 9, 2013

But he has a plan, starting with the roster. Kobe on his plan to fix the Lakers: “Cut my teammates. All of ‘em. You guys thought I was upset about Metta and Dwight leaving? Hell no. I told Artest’ s crazy ass to get as far away from me as possible or I’d making him change his name to Eim Gayfor Pistons. And now he’s in NY. I told Dwight not to show his face around here again or I’d have to whoop his ass with the belt for the 65th time. He ran off crying to mommy about wanting out of L.A. And now he’s in Houston.”

Nobody messes with the Mamba. But it didn’t stop there. “I don’t even know who half the guys on this roster are. Pau Gasol’s become so soft I’d be better off starting a Teddy Bear at PF. At least it could box out Blake Griffin. Steve Nash is looking more and more like Pee Wee Herman by the day, which is just disturbing.”

Pee Wee Nash:

“And the only thing Steve Blake’s Alex Smith lookin ass is good for is bringing me my coffee. Excuse me a moment.” Kobe stepped out of the room and you could hear “HEY BLAKE! WHERE’S MY GOD DAMN LATTE! HALF CAF TRIPLE SHOT NO FOAM! LET’S GO!”

And then he came back. “My apologies. But I don’t even know who the hell these other guys are, and they’re just in my way. Robert Sacre? What’s a Robert Sacre? It sounds like something nasty and contagious. Keep it away from me. And Nick Young, don’t even get me started. You saw last night.”

What Kobe is referring to, Nick Young in action:

(GIF via @DrewGarrisonSBN)

Yikes. Looks like an attempted dunk from the dunk contest. Too bad there were no judges around to give this miss a 48 out of 50.

Kobe continued, “But if we can get all these worthless bastards off this roster and just let me keep the ball, we’ll be just fine. All I want is 11 guys that will follow my 3 step plan to success: rebound, pass me the ball, and stay the hell out of my way. Is that REALLY too much to ask for?”

No Kobe, no it’s not. So if you see an atom bomb explosion in downtown L.A. soon, don’t worry. That’s just Kobe re-building the Lakers.

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