Texans coach Gary Kubiak arrested on attempted murder charges


Gary Kubiak’s had a rough year. His Texans looked like a Super Bowl contender in the AFC before the season, now they’re barely a contender for the Toilet Bowl (except to have Matt Schaub’s head dunked in it). They were up 20-3 on the hype machine from Seattle, the Richard Shermans Seahawks, late in the 3rd quarter, and appeared to be coasting to an easy win. Then, out of nowhere, the meltdown began. It’s like someone replaced Schaub’s brain with a baked potato. They wound up losing 23-20 in overtime.

Since then, they’ve played less like a Super Bowl contender, and more like they don’t even know what the word “football” means. Matt Schaub and even his backups can’t stop getting Schaubed (or is it Texaned?). So, Kubiak tried to get creative. ( But after being told that Peyton Manning throwing a pick six didn’t make him an automatic Texan, they’ve had to try again. Today, Gary Kubiak named Case Keenum (aka “anyone but Tebow”) starter against the Chiefs.

It will be Case Keenum’s first career start against a defense that has made previous QBs wet themselves just coming to the line of scrimmage. In the words of Chiefs LB Justin Houston, “there will be blood.” Houston police quickly took notice, and immediately arrested Gary Kubiak on attempted murder charges. Houston PD spokesman: “Kansas City’s defense had 10 sacks last week. TEN. We heard a tip of Terrelle Pryor’s head being on a turtle somewhere. It’s pretty obvious he’s trying to get this man killed.”

According to a source, Gary Kubiak’s contemplating pleading guilty to the charge, as he feels he’d rather be in prison with a bunch of rapists and attempted murders than have to coach the 2013 Texans any more. Normally an attempted murder would likely be held without bail, but this is the NFL, so he’s being held on $5 bail (they’re big fans of Subway at the prison). So he can be easily bailed out unless he pleads guilty, which he seems to be planning on. But unfortunately for him, his plan could backfire.

If he pleads guilty, he’d likely face about 10-25 hours of jail time and community service, the standard punishment for an NFL attempted murderer. Once he’s gone through with that, his plea would be changed to “not guilty” in the interest of “justice” and he can resume his NFL career Ray Lewis style. So either way, he’s going to be coaching this team this weekend. Good luck Gary and Case, you’re going to need it.


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  1. Pingback: Texans trade Matt Schaub for a Quarter Pounder with cheese - NOTSportsCenter

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