REPORT: Lakers request salary cap be raised to $2 billion


Kobe Bryant. Carmelo Anthony. LeBron James. A couple of the best players in the world, and one New York Knick. Recently there’s been talk that you may see all 3 on the same team. But we’re not talking about overly cocky Olympic teams that barely beat third world countries, but claim they’re better than the 1992 Dream Team. We’re talking about the Los Angeles “please oh please don’t make us actually rebuild” Lakers. They’re under the impression they can get all 3 on their roster in 2014. But they know they need help.

We don’t mean getting help for whatever drugs they’re smoking that makes them think this is possible. We mean salary cap help. The team has reportedly asked the NBA to raise the Salary Cap to a comfortable $2 billion. That way they can offer these 3 the kind of money that they want and put an actual team around them, not just a bunch of fatheads of random NBA players. Who wouldn’t want to come play on a team with those 3 (besides, you know, people that enjoy actually touching the basketball during a game)?

At this point Allen Iverson would play for some pop rocks, so you have a potential PG there. But he likes to shoot too much. Plus nobody wants to actually offer Allen Iverson a contract. They’d give Master P a chance to come back and play point guard before Allen Iverson. Iverson isn’t the only former player that would have interest, the old retired players would be lining out the door to come play with these 3. Who needs defense? (It’s not like Carmelo can actually play it anyway)

They just need 9 guys who can get the ball out of their hands to those 3 as fast as possible and that will take slave labor wages to play for the team. That way the $2 billion can be divided by LeBron, Kobe, and Carmelo. Give Kobe $800 million, Carmelo $700 million, and LeBron $599.99 million. That way, Kobe can remain the big dog of the team despite possibly being 3rd best at this point, Carmelo can feel like he’s actually relevant on a big stage, and LeBron can come out and brag about how he “sacrificed” and stunningly took “under $600 million.” Everybody wins! (except the other 29 teams and the 9 guys stuck playing with these 3)

Just imagine at the end of a game: Kobe, Carmelo, or LeBron could take the winning shot. You can’t cover them all. But you probably wouldn’t have to, those 3 would be wrestling over the ball while time ran out and the team lost. Then they could hold a players only meeting with just those 3 locked in one room and only 2 emerged. Then another loss. Then another meeting. Then only 1 is left. Then you’ve got 9 scrubs and 1 superstar, or what we called in the 2000’s “the Orlando Magic.”

With David Stern retiring, you might think this bizarre $2 billion cap request has a chance, but is that really what you want Lakers fans? Do you want the west coast Orlando Magic? It’s time to put down the crack pipe, give up on this “dream” lineup, and accept your role as L.A.’s new Clippers. It’ll really ease your transition into becoming a Clipper fan when Kobe retires. If you haven’t already.


  1. DrewSkiLuv2____!!!


    The Nets would love it too. They can hire more overpriced senior citizens.

  2. Sotos Salonika Paokara


    a couple of the best players in the world and one heat

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