Lakers to take out second mortgage on Kobe Bryant’s new contract

The Lakers inked Kobe Bryant to a 2 year, 48 million dollar deal Monday afternoon which helped maintain Bryant’s status as the highest paid player in the NBA. In order to make ends meet, the Lakers have applied for a second mortgage on the deal. A source also indicated that General Manager Mitch Kupchak has taken on a second job working nights as a coat checker at a local night club. “In this economy, we’re all doing what we can to appease Lord Kobe,” Kupchak told reporters.

Bryant himself received some heat from fans via various social media outlets for not taking less to preserve cap space. “I don’t know what y’all talking about,” Bryant said. “We can still sign at least one max minimum contract scrub.”

When reporters attempted to interview teammate Steve Blake, Kobe immediately cut them off. “Hey! Leave my butler alone.”

This deal will certainly have implications on the the franchise’s ability to sign future free agents. Rumors had been swirling regarding Carmelo Anthony and a possible union with Bryant in LA when he becomes a free agent after next season, but Anthony had this to say in response to the recent developments: “Since Kobe has already financially handcuffed the Lakers for the foreseeable future, I will entertain offers to financially handcuff franchises elsewhere.”

The deal has also created a tangible rift in the Lakers’ locker room. Bryant was seen cleaning his ears with a hundred dollar bill whereas Jordan Hill was spotted grilling a can of beans over a garbage can fire just to stay alive.

Reports are trickling out that Bryant is also trying to get all currency used in the Staples Center exchanged into a new currency called the Kobio.

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