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Inside the insane minds of Mat & Dallas Latos

latos

There is a lot of tradition in the city of Cincinnati when it comes to baseball.  Another was added last year: the Dallas Latos Twitter meltdown.  Dallas is the wife of Reds starting pitcher Mat Latos.  Because adrenaline (and Red Bull) fueled sports fans are often wanton, lustful freaks, the beautiful (sometimes) blonde bombshell naturally drew a lot of attention from many fans of the hurler’s new team.

To be fair, there are plenty of Mrs Latos’ features that stand out and command attention.  Two of the most significant – and, no, I’m not going with this where some of you are thinking, you wanton, lustful freaks – are her hands (used not only for posting to her Twitter account but for writing her official MLB.com-affiliated blog) and her eyes (used to scour the internet and Twitter in particular for unflattering commentary about her or her husband with such meticulousness and zeal that Bush-era Patriot Act eavesdroppers would be envious).

The Reds traded for Latos before the 2012 season, sending three highly regarded prospects – first baseman Yonder Alonso, catcher Yasmani Grandal and pitcher Brad Boxberger – and a broken JUGS pitching machine to the Padres.  Actually, research shows it wasn’t a broken pitching machine, but starting pitcher Edinson Volquez.

Some had said that this blockbuster 4-for-1 deal was actually 4-for-2.  The Reds had traded not just for the pitcher but for his wife as well, since she needs to be in the spotlight the way her husband needs to be on the mound.  Dallas vehemently disagrees with that claim. “It’s ridiculous to think the Reds gave up 4 players for Mat & I”, said the model-turned-baseball-blogger. “We also have a dog…and there was cat to be named later. It was a straight up 4-for-4 trade.”

The cat has it’s own Twitter account as well. The dog, however, does not appear to be active in social media, though is presumably working on a screenplay about this baseball family.

At 25 years old and just 4 years into his major league career, Mat is off to a very good start.  Despite that, April tends to treat him almost as bad is it does notorious tax cheat Wesley Snipes.  That rough start in his Cincinnati debut brought about resounding criticism of a trade that saw a lot of promising young talent depart the farm system….and the broken JUGS machine Edinson Volquez.  That’s when Dallas put the Twitter machine to work, calling out those who dared criticized her tattooed Adonis despite an ERA so high even Dusty Baker had no choice to but pull the pitcher before letting him throw out his arm.  This would lead her sycophant followers – affectionately known as the Dallas Latos Cheerleaders (whose calendar isn’t nearly as aesthetically pleasing as that of the other Dallas Cheerleaders….you wanton, lustful freaks) – attacking those fans with such veracity and relentlessness that Beliebers would be envious.

It wouldn’t be enough, however, as Dallas inevitably announced that her Twitter account would be deleted.  And so it came to pass….until Mat’s season turned around and they both rose like a phoenix from the ink-stained ashes.  Mat was masterful the rest of the season, showing incredible resolve and determination in the postseason.

Lest you believe the offseason would be uneventful, though, Dallas’ Twitter account was deleted again during Spring Training, proving that even ballplayers’ wives need the preseason to try to get into midseason form.  Now that the 2013 regular season is underway, she’s back flaunting her little blue bird….and Mat makes his first April start Wednesday night against the potent Los Angeles Angels.

It’s not inconceivable that a bad enough season by Mat could result in Dallas’ Twitter account getting shut down for good. It puts Reds fans in the unenviable position of deciding whether to cheer for their team to win or to see that bipolar Twitter account going the way of the dinosaurs, the Pets.com sock puppet and Pittsburgh Pirates winning seasons.

 

One Comment

  1. Ben P

    at

    This is hilarious and is very well-written, will certainly continue reading and the tweets are priceless. Keep it up!

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