SOURCES: LeBron to become NBA’s first ever player/ref

After a surprising (to some) Game 1 loss to the Spurs, LeBron and the Heat have to regroup. Now that they’ve whined to the media about Tony Parker’s shot clock buzzer beating shot “seeming like 26 seconds” when he actually got it off in time to everyone else on the planet, they have to shut up and adjust their strategy. LeBron knows coaching isn’t really Erik Spoelstra’s cup of tea, so he had to turn to his buddy David Stern. But this time his usual bitching spawned an idea that may save the series for the Heat.

LeBron told Stern:

“Look David, this is becoming an impossible task. I can’t do EVERYTHING. I have to SOME help. I’m playing on a team with:

-Chris Bosh, who thinks he’s a 29 year old Ray Allen now

-Dwyane Wade, who thinks giving effort once a quarter still makes him “elite”

-Mario Chalmers, who can’t stay off his ass long enough to do anything worthwhile

-Ray Allen, who thinks he’s still Ray Allen

-Shane Battier, who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat

-Mike Miller, who I swear is a real life zombie, I mean just look at him…he looks dead

-Rashard Lewis, whose biggest claim to fame is “someone was stupid enough to give me a max contract once”

-Juwan Howard, who I think has great grandkids now and yet is still on an NBA roster.

Those 8 names sound like an NBA All Star team, if the game was played in 2007. The only guy really helping me at all is Birdman and that’s because I’m secretly supplying him cocaine in the locker room in exchange for him making some layups and running around shoving people, screaming and beating his chest like he’s King Kong. Now I can’t get the officials to call anything? We went like 18 minutes in the 2nd half without a single foul shot. Are you KIDDING me?  I’m tired of looking like such a 12 year old girl whining to the refs all the time. I need to have better control of them.”

Stern sat there listening to LeBron rattle off the names of the corpse of his roster and then it hit him. “Well LeBron, what if YOU were a ref?” LeBron responded, “Uh but then I wouldn’t be playing?” David shook his head and said “Do you REALLY think I would make it so YOU weren’t playing? Damn I should have never let you skip college. I’m talking about you becoming a player/ref. You’ve seen player/coaches, you’re going to become the NBA’s first ever player/ref. Then you can call whatever the hell you want.”

LeBron screamed, “OH MY GOD DAVID I LOVE YOU MAN!!!! And since I know you won’t fine ME for saying it: no homo. Hehehehe” Stern replied, “No homo? You sure? Okay…..fine. But this is going to be fabulous. We’re going to make history (we told you you were going to see history: http://notsportscenter.com/2013nbafinals/). I can’t go out with you getting embarrassed again. I just can’t. You and Joey Crawford together will be the greatest 1-2 punch in referee history.” There’s that word again.

LeBron the player/ref. Yet another ridiculous move by David Stern to help out his boy toy. And as usual, we’re all witnesses.

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