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Texas fan: “I paid Johnny Manziel $200,000. I swear.”

ManzielAutographs

Johnny Manziel just can’t catch a break (outside of all the model-esque women that want a piece of him, the free college education, the thousands and thousands of dollars under the table, the connections setting him up for life, etc.).

After the report linking him to signing autographs for money came out, a Texas fan had new claims, claiming he paid Johnny Drunkass (http://notsportscenter.com/johnnydrunkass/) $200,000 to sign autographs. A penny is an “extra benefit” according to the NCAA, so $200,000 is essentially promising your soul and first born to Satan. Not that any of them have done that or anything.

But why would a Texas fan want a Texas A&M player to sign autographs? “I don’t kn…uh  I mean I uh was trying to get some…pictures? Pictures for my…uh…thing that needs pictures. Yeah, that thing. So I paid him.” Does he have any evidence of doing this? “I have a picture of him signing that I found on the inter…that I took myself while I was counting out the money to give him. It’s just not on screen. I totally did it though. I swear.”

Did he have any other evidence? “It uh…burned in the fire.” What fire? “The fire…the uh…fire…the one we made with twigs and sticks and stuff. That fire.” He then stepped away to take a phone call where he was heard saying things like “DUDE. THEY’RE BUYING IT.” and “We’re gonna totally screw over A&M yo.” Then he came back “But yeah what was I saying? Oh right. Johnny Manziel. That guy is like so guilty bro. He should be in jail.”

Texas fan then explained that the reason he had a 22 cent bank balance and smelled like smoke and Taco Bell was that he spent all his money paying Manziel and that it had nothing to do with marijuana or him being a pothead, he swears. But he said we couldn’t check his bank records because those guys would “totally blow it for us,” whatever that means. He then stopped speaking with reporters and ran off laughing.

The NCAA said this sounded like concrete evidence of a violation of at least 15 of their rules, so they would investigate and punish Manziel accordingly. Uh oh Johnny. Looks like you’re in trouble now.

 

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