Mariners make drastic changes following series loss to Houston


Following an embarrassing pair of losses to a team that isn’t guaranteed to win 2 more games all year, the Mariners have made some sweeping changes.


New batting lineup:

1. CF Richard Sherman

(Speed and hands, plus he can brag about intercepting 202,334,842 more flyballs than Revis did.)

2. SS Gary Payton

(The Glove playing short. Obviously.)

3. 3B Edgar Martinez

(Yes, THAT Edgar Martinez. Sure he’s 50 now but he’s still got one of the best bats in Seattle and Payton can cover his lack of range.)

4. LF Michael Morse

(Hey! An Actual Mariner besides Felix kept his job! How ’bout that.)

5. DH Raul Ibanez

(Just to taunt A-Rod some more about how even he actually still has a job.)

6. RF Russell Wilson

(Best arm in Seattle outside of Felix, and here he’ll have some receivers to throw to that aren’t out with migraines.)

7. 1B A Basketball Hoop

(Makes it easy for Payton to play defense and it’s not like they’re using them for anything else in Seattle.)

8. C Shawn Kemp

(He’s got child support to pay, plus he’s too fat to play anywhere else. And yes, he’s batting behind the hoop.)

9. 2B Kate Upton

(With her distracting batters at second base, Felix may never give up a run again.)

With the new lineup, the Mariners have already announced a new promotion for fans to get on the field: Come down to the field with your Mariners and get to second base with Kate Upton! (Update: millions have already signed up)


New rotation:

1. Felix Hernandez

2. Felix Hernandez

3. Felix Hernandez

4. Felix Hernandez

5. Felix Hernandez

That’s one way to have 5 aces in a rotation.


New bullpen

Long relief: Felix Hernandez

Middle relief: Felix Hernandez

Right-handed specialist: Felix Hernandez

Left-handed specialist: Felix Hernandez (with his other hand)

Setup: Felix Hernandez

Closer: Felix Hernandez

The Mariners have come up with another new promotion, this one for the re-vamped bullpen: Come to the Mariners game and have your mind blown when you see Felix Hernandez pitching in the game, warming up in the pen, and running into to pitch in the game all at the same time!


Other changes:

Groundscrew: Kameron Loe, Brandon Maurer, Lucas Luetge

(These 3 are familiar with the whole field after having their pitches sent all over the yard)

Janitor: Blake Beavan

(No one knows garbage better than someone who is garbage)

Hard liquor sales/bartender (Beer has been removed in favor of hard liquor like Everclear to make the games more tolerable): Charlie Furbush

(Bar promotion: Come to the bar and taste what our Furbush has to offer!)

Bartender #2: Tom Wilhelmsen

(Back to his old familiar role, he’ll fill in when Furbush is worn out from serving too many people. Heh. Furbush.)

Popcorn sales: Terrell Owens

(Duh. Also he needs a job.)

Adderall sales: Richard Sherman

(Between innings he’ll be selling and simultaneously issuing denials about taking it at the same time)


With these changes, the Mariners are taking “go big or go home” to a whole new level. Sure thousands may end up with alcohol poisoning, sure they might not score more than 2 runs a game, and sure Felix’s arm may literally fall off after a month. But everyone’s going to be too drunk and crazy to even notice, and isn’t that what baseball is truly all about?

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