Mark Sanchez retires to become a professional headband model


The dream is over. The man who made the word “fumble” synonymous with the word “butt” has had enough. Despite “winning” the QB competition (you decide who won:, Mark Sanchez has decided to retire to become a professional headband model, modeling the wonderful hair accessory you see above. He apparently thinks someone wants to PAY him to look like that. If you didn’t know there was such a thing as a headband model, you wouldn’t be the only one.

“A HEADBAND model? The only thing Mark Sanchez could model is the perfect form for throwing an interception,” said his now former coach, Rex Ryan. “I only kept him in because of all the humor he provided. You never knew what was coming next. Buttfumble, footinterception, facepass, an incomplete handoff, it could’ve been anything. I realized I couldn’t keep my job and laugh at him at the same time, so I named Geno Smith starter. But now I CAN keep my job and laugh at him at the same time. Thanks Mark!”

Mark Sanchez was on the cover of GQ, so he’s trying to use the connections he built there to break into the modeling world and become a trailblazer in the industry. But little does he know, that wasn’t even supposed to happen. “I lost a bet while I was drunk,” said a GQ staff member. “So I had to put him on the cover. It started out as a drunken joke. Who could seriously believe Mark Sanchez was the face of the future of anything? Maybe the future of McDonalds? I don’t think they’re even that desperate though.”

Things started out so well this summer for Mark too, he pulled off a miracle at camp ( that had the team thinking big things. And just a few short months later, it’s over. But who knows. This guy made the “buttfumble” happen, maybe he can make men looking like 15 year old girls into a real thing. San Francisco would certainly like it. Ditto for Chris Bosh. And Jason Collins. And LeBron, although Mark would have into invent a headband the size of a helmet for him.

But he’s really gone. Seems like just yesterday Pete Carroll was laughing at him for coming out too soon. And then everyone was laughing at the Jets for trading up for him. And then everyone was laughing at Mark for well…everything. And now…he’s gone. So sad. Time really does fly when you’re throwing pick sixes.


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