Mason Plumlee suspended 500 games for blocking LeBron’s dunk

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: April 9, 2014

LeBron James thought he was too good to “take his talents to college”, so he’s had to do his learning on the court. And on April 8th he learned a very important lesson: white men actually CAN jump. Who knew, right? LeBron expected to dunk all over this “stupid white boy from Duke”, win the game and have praise showered all over him for doing something that happens 243,000 times a year. Instead, Mason Plumlee said “get that weak stuff outta here, son.” and swatted LeBron to the 5th row.

And naturally, the tears began to flow:

(GIF via @BenGolliver)

LeBron: “WHERE’S THE FOUL???? Man I will have y’all’s asses fired for this so fast. Hold on…I need a tissue. I’ve…got something in my…eye. I’m not crying, I swear.”

So after a few phone calls by an extremely emotionally distraught LeBron, David Stern got involved.

You thought you got rid of me. NEVER! HAHAHA

“I have to protect my baby,” said Stern. “I told LeBron that even though I’m retired, he can call me anytime, day or night. He’s my everything. So I had a little discussion with Adam (Silver), and we decided on a punishment for Mason. It wasn’t as severe as I’d like, but, Mason needs to know that it’s a violation of NBA rules to not let LeBron make the game winner. Why do you think Vogel pulled Roy Hibbert and rolled out the red carpet for LeBron in the playoffs last year? That wasn’t by accident.”

As a result, Mason Plumlee has been suspended 500 games for a “flagrant flagrant flagrant flagrant flagrant flagrant flagrant 2″ foul on LeBron and fined $750,000. Normally there are only “flagrant 1″ and “flagrant 2″ fouls, but as usual, they’ve made up a completely brand new rule just for LeBron James. While this seems severe, Stern wanted him sent to death row, so Plumlee’s attorney Saul Goodman did an amazing job setting up a plea deal for Mason’s horrifying crime.

The best attorney in the world

So the Nets are going to be without their water boy for a while, and will have to turn to free agency to find a new benchwarmer before the playoffs. Tracy McGrady is available, and he was huge for the Spurs last year in that role until he was worn out by playing 8 minutes (more on that here: notsportscenter.com/McGradyFatigue), or even Allen Iverson, who could use some extra money to supplement his job at McDonalds (more on that here: notsportscenter.com/McIverson). There are options.

But one thing remains true: whoever you are, if you do anything to make LeBron James look bad, you will pay. And on that note, we better go call Saul.