Allen Iverson signs with McDonalds

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: July 24, 2013

FINALLY! Someone finally called Allen Iverson and gave him a job. Nope, he’s not back in the NBA. He’s not even in basketball at all (and this isn’t some lead in to the Bobcats, who barely qualify as basketball period). He signed with one of the biggest most evil yet kid friendly corporations in the world. No, we’re not talkin’ bout Disney (good guess though). We’re talkin bout practice. Not the game he lives and die….oh no, sorry, we’re not talking about that either. We’re talkin bout McDonalds.

Yes, home of the Big Mac, Super Size, and JaMarcus Russell (he’s there so often he’s considered part of the company now) has added the infamous shoot, shoot, and shoot some more guard to their staff. He’ll be a motivational speaker/fry man/janitor/cashier/whatever other job no one else wants to do. Allen hopes by working at McDonalds it’ll help lead him back into the NBA finally. He figures he’ll serve enough players stoned out of their mind looking for munchies that someone will be willing to do him a favor.

Just picture it now: Allen Iverson holding team meetings with a bunch of fresh faced kids working their first jobs and Vince Young, happy to have a job period. “Alright ladies and gentlemen, I want us to go out there and give 110%. I don’t want just a regular hamburger. I’m not talkin bout a hamburger. I’m talkin’ bout a Big Mac that you all live and die for. Well mostly die from, but you get the idea. Now let’s go out and get ‘em!” Who wouldn’t want to work for a guy like that?

There’s even talk of naming a new McDonalds sandwich after Allen: the McIverson. It’ll come in a long colorful sleeve, complete with a loud talking Allen Iverson toy that won’t ever stop talking, and when you open the box, only 43% of the sandwich will have been successfully made. 43% of a sandwich will go a long way towards easing some of the health concerns people have had about McDonalds food. Even the commercials write themselves: “Who needs titles? Come skip practice and try the new McIverson!”

Based on how much he owes in child support, he’s going to have to work about 2,000 hours a week, which will result in cooking one hell of a lot of fries. Also, there’s actually only 168 hours in a week, so he’s going to have to get a little creative. But leave it to Allen, he’ll figure it out. If anyone can find the answer to such a complex problem, it’s the answer himself. Or he’ll get sick of working, quit, and then whine about not having a job again. Either way.