Aaron Hernandez signs lifetime contract with Mean Machine


In light of being indicted on first degree murder charges, Aaron Hernandez immediately sprung into action, signing a lifetime contract with the Mean Machine, a team he recently returned to the field with and was as good as ever ( The terms of the contract were not disclosed, but are said to include a lot of bread and water, and a signing bonus that guarantees him an extra 30 minutes of yard time every day through the end of his murder trial. Yay…recess!

Is signing this contract an admission of guilt? You’d think, but not according to his attorney. “I want to assure my client is provided for up until we prove his innocence on this obviously outrageous charge. This extra yard time allows him to hone his skills for his return to the National Football League in 2014 or 15. One team has even expressed interest already. I can’t say who, but it rhymes with beagles,” said Aaron’s lawyer, who continued to harp on how “circumstantial” all of the evidence he’s facing is.

As for the Mean Machine, they were stoked to find out they secured Aaron Hernandez for life. “This is the deadly weapon we’ve been looking for…wait, I mean the ALLEGED deadly weapon we’ve been looking for. Dang it, i’ll get the hang of that at some point. Luckily, I’ve got time,” said Mean Machine coach Nate Scarborough, still struggling with what he can and can’t say to the media. “He’ll be our #1 target. Who would want to tackle him and piss him off? That’s…dangerous. It’s safe to say that…I think.”

With Hernandez secured, according to a source, their next target will be 4 time arrest veteran Titus Young, who amazingly hasn’t been arrested in a few months (that we know of). They’d like to have Young to stretch the field so Hernandez can work the middle for star QB Paul Crewe, who could suddenly have a plethora of NFL caliber talent at his disposal after initially starting with a bunch of guys that didn’t even know what a football is supposed to be for (sounds like the Jacksonville Jaguars).

Between Aaron Hernandez and Titus Young (who will likely be arrested before you finish reading this), it sounds like the Mean Machine are setting up a dynasty. And knowing NFL players, they’ll likely have a lot more talent to choose from very soon. It’s been quiet recently. Too quiet.



  1. Pedro Gutierrez


    Is this shirt available anywhere?

    • NOTSCWill


      not really sure to be honest. I forget where I even found the picture ha

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