REPORT: Former Rutgers coach Mike Rice hired by Average Joe’s Gym

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: April 3, 2013

Former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice has already found a new job: working at Average Joe’s Gym. He will take over for the retiring Patches O’Houlihan as the gym’s new dodgeball coach. Owner Peter LaFleur watched hours of practice footage of Rice throwing everything (including an actual kitchen sink) at his basketball team and knew he would be a perfect fit.

LaFleur on the hire of Mike Rice: “Man I thought Patches was an asshole but he’s nothing compared to this guy. That’s PERFECT for Dodgeball. With the rampant steroid, horse tranquilizer, and other drug use, we can’t play around if we want to stay on top of the Dodgeball world. When Patches told me he was retiring I was concerned but now I feel a lot better. I mean my head hurts after Mike threw a chair at me in the interview, but I’ll get over it. I’ve got aspirin. And some other stuff. Shhhhh.”

So it appears Mike Rice may have found his true calling. LaFleur has given him the green light to coach however he wants, and throw whatever he wants at his team. He wants to call them things like “fairy”? Fine! He wants to put fairy wings on a guy and make him prance around and have the whole TEAM call him fairy? Great! Mike’s already said Patches O’Houlihan’s tradition of making his team dodge traffic will be part of the regular practice regimen.

Rice on the transition to his new role: “I apologized this morning for what I did at Rutgers, but we all know that was just for show. Here I don’t have to do things like that. In fact, I’ll probably call a press conference just to yell and throw things at the media. I always wanted to egg some of those buttholes from ESPN and FOX and now I can! I can’t wait!”

So now Mike Rice can be a super duper omega asshole to make himself feel better about getting beaten as a child, and Rutgers can hire a basketball coach that understands that the basketball goes in the hoop, not off of someone’s head. It’s win-win.