MLB Will Fix Instant Replay Problems With More Instant Replay

Major League Baseball’s expanded replay system has been much like umpire Joe West himself – completely oblivious to its obvious inadequacies while completely enamored with its self-perceived perfection.

A day after blowing a call against the Red Sox in favor of the rival Yankees, New York was once again the beneficiary when umpires overturned an inconclusive play, resulting in Boston manager John Farrell’s ejection. He did not take it well.

GIF courtesy TheScore.com

We also recently witnessed replay failing to do something as basic as correcting the ball-strike count in a Twins-Rays game because math is hard.  Last weekend, they missed a fairly obvious pickoff of the Braves’ BJ Upton, which ended up with Reds manager Bryan Price getting run from the game (though it is believed this call may simply be a result of the umpires being stunned at the mere sight of BJ Upton actually being on base).

Then there have been the numerous controversies regarding the transfer rule, which has been nearly as confusing as Homer Bailey’s $100M contract.

In light of criticism the league is receiving, Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre announced changes to the current system, implementing additional levels of replay. It will basically be the “Inception” of replay systems.

Under the current process, managers direct challenges to the umpires on the field and video is reviewed at the Replay Operations Center in New York.  Beginning next season, a manager may challenge the replay results by calling the replay center and using the code word “Denkinger”, which prompts a review by a secret underground command center in Area 51.

Should the manager still not be satisfied, the third tier of replay demands that the fattest player currently on the bench will have to kneel in on deck circle, remove jersey and tweak his nipples in the direction of the home plate umpire.  This review is sent to the closet in Toronto where the National Hockey League resolves its replays, which NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is leasing to MLB in a desperate attempt to raise more revenue for his league.

In the event that the decision coming out of Canada is questioned (and aren’t they all?), the manager must signal his request for a fourth review by dry humping the TV camera nearest the dugout. Due to the money spent on the NHL review center, MLB decided to save money here by outsourcing this review to India.

If this is truly the “Inception” of replay systems, then Bud Selig is appropriately its Limbo.  The end game in this process will be triggered by a panic button located under the bench in each dugout which will unlock the hyperbaric chamber in which Bud Selig will be perpetually and eternally contained solely for the purpose of making the final ruling on replays after leaving the Commissioner’s office next year.

“We anticipate this being a flawless process that will eventually be copied by all professional sports leagues,” Torre announced. “Our only concern at this time is that replay reviews being sent to Mr Selig will result in the games being declared a tie.”

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