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Roger Goodell fires MNF refs for not calling PI for Tom Brady
- Updated: November 19, 2013
You probably heard about how MNF between the Panthers and Patriots ended, unless you don’t actually know what a football is, in which case: get back to practice Jaguars. Needless to say, Tom Brady was not too happy about the refs picking up the flag, even using a few no-no words as you can hear below:
As you might expect, there was pretty major fall out from such an ending. Was Tom Brady fined for swearing at the refs? You’re kidding right? Hell no. Section 12 of the NFL rulebook titled “The Brady does whatever the hell he wants and if you don’t like it too f-ing bad Rules” (explained below), prevents that. No, the refs that picked up the flag were immediately fired by Roger Goodell for not saving Tom Brady (again). Looks like last year’s replacement refs will have some new co-workers at Foot Locker.
Goodell: “This is ridiculous. We went over this with these officials in basic training. Rule 5, Section 12 says that whenever Tom Brady is in distress and needs help, the officials are to throw a flag. This applies at all times, 24/7. If Tom Brady is unable to hail a cab in downtown New York, our officials are to immediately throw a flag for roughing the passer and apply it to the Jets’ next game. Simple, right? So due to them not following simple rules, I’ve had to let them go. I will be pursuing further charges as well.”
According to our sources, Roger Goodell is attempting to convince Carolina state court that these officials should be sent to death row on first degree murder charges for killing the Patriots’ chance to win the game. He’s convinced he’s going to win, because, after all: no one screws with Tom Brady and lives to tell about it. He made sure to remind the officials working the Patriots/Saints game of this earlier this year before Tom Brady lead the game winning drive and won, largely assisted by this missed holding:
“I was scared to death,” one unnamed official said about talking to Goodell before that drive. “He said he wanted to play a game before that drive. I thought I was in a Saw movie. So hell no I didn’t call holding. I don’t want to be chopped into a thousand pieces in my sleep. Whatever Roger wants is what I do. Heil Goodell!” Don’t make Roger Goodell angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
Let’s take a look at the Brady section of the NFL Rulebook, it might shed some light on this:
NFL Rulebook, Section 12: The Brady does whatever the hell he wants and if you don’t like it too f-ing bad Rules
-1. If someone is in the same area code as Tom Brady, it is considered Roughing the Passer.
-2. If someone actually sacks Tom Brady, it is considered first degree assault and punishable to the fullest extent of the law.
-3. If someone intercepts Tom Brady, a flag is to be thrown for “fair catch interference” for not allowing his receiver a fair chance to catch the ball.
-4. If Tom Brady does something stupid like fumble, make up a rule as fast as possible that sounds real to overturn it. (For example, the “Tuck Rule” was invented for this reason. No one knows what the $!!@%@ a tuck actually is.)
-5. Whenever Tom Brady is in distress, a flag is to be thrown. This applies at all times, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
We’d go on, but there’s 943 rules in that section alone. You get the idea.
To prevent future issues like this, Tom Brady will be given a brand new Kindle Fire complete with a special Tom Brady version of the mayday button that he can keep on the sidelines. That way if he is ever in distress again, he can pull out his Kindle Fire, hit mayday, and immediately speak to Roger Goodell. Through the Kindle Fire, Roger can immediately have killed whoever Brady wants. Perfect. Remember: no one screws with Tom Brady and lives to tell about it.