NBA team needs for all 30 teams before the 2014 NBA Draft


The NBA Draft is days away, and teams are preparing and scouting (or in the case of the Cavs management team, drinking and more drinking) to make sure they draft the next LeBron and not the next Kwame Brown (again, except for Cleveland because…well, you know.).

What do NBA teams need before the draft? Well we broke it down for each team and give you their Top 3 needs going into the 2014 NBA Draft. Hint: they aren’t necessarily players. In fact, most of them aren’t players. It’s not like some of these teams try to actually improve their teams anyway.

Like every other time we do something for an entire league (the NBA pokemon for example:, it’s broken down by a division per page. Click the page numbers at the bottom to see them all.

There’s something that takes a shot at every team, so while yes we hate your team, we hate all the others too. Enjoy!




-A printer to print extra money to fluff up Kyle Lowry’s contract offer beyond what they can offer to make sure he stays

-A copy of George Carlin’s “7 words you can’t say on TV” so GM Masai Ujiri has new ways to describe other teams at pre-game pep rallies

-A time machine so that when they re-sign Vince Carter he’s actually 27 years old, and not 83


-Actual draft picks so that they aren’t just pretending they made themselves better like last year

-Cases of Ensure Plus to help their roster get the extra vitamins and nutrients elderly bodies need

-Cases of Soda so that Jason Kidd has plenty of drinks to “accidentally” drop on the court when needed


-A binky and a new baba for Rajon Rondo to keep him happy, or at least shut him up until he’s traded

-Someone stupid enough to take Gerald Wallace’s contract off their hands or at least lock him in a secret underground prison so that he’s forced to retire

-Extra prostitutes/drugs/cash/weapons for Danny Ainge to use to help seal the Kevin Love trade and any other potential trades


-A restraining order against Carmelo Anthony preventing him from signing with any other team. Or weapons to threaten him with. Or both. Probably both.

-More ex Phil Jackson players to fill out the coaching staff and the starting lineup

-A paper shredder to properly file Andrea Bargnani and Amare Stoudemire’s contracts where they belong


A perfect way to file the contracts on the Knicks’ roster


-A new tank to become the new official team mascot

-A new bench to make sure Nerlens Noel is comfortable next year

-A team willing to take all 7 of their draft picks for 5 cents so that they can begin tanking for next year

One Comment

  1. Pingback: VINE: Joel Embiid hates his life after being drafted by the Sixers - NOTSportsCenter

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