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NCAA Gives Manziel Candy Crush Death Penalty

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In the ongoing battle between the NCAA and Johnny Manziel, the collegiate power struck the latest blow. Manziel will once again be suspended for an entire half of football, this time for accepting from Texas A&M alumni extra lives in the game Candy Crush.

NCAA Vice President of Academic and Membership Affairs Kevin Lennon had the following to say on his Twitter account about the suspension:

Well said.

While that is the kind of response we would expect from the NCAA, their vice president of communications, Bob Williams, did choose to elaborate further. “It may seem odd at first, but there is precedent. In 1978, we had to suspend Sooners running back Billy Sims for a quarter for accepting a free game on a “Charlie’s Angels” pinball machine from a University of Oklahoma graduate. We had to make the punishment more severe this time because we don’t need this kind of scandal rearing its ugly head every 35 years. Where does it end? Swapping McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces? Stealing a neighbor’s unsecured WiFi?”

Johnny Gumball remains defiant: “I was passing time on the team bus last week, crushing the Butterscotch Boulders episode – because I’m Johnny Manziel and I dominate any game I play – when a teammate took my phone & wasted all my lives, so a former A&M football player sent me an extra life,” Manziel said. “Next thing I know, the NCAA gets a Pixy Stix up its ass and I’m out another half.”

When asked if he had anything to say directly to the NCAA, the Aggies quarterback stated, “Since you’re suddenly so obsessed with candy, I suggest you go eat a Snickers because you become a real bitch when you’re hungry.”

“Oh, well,” he later added. “Now I’ll have more time to sign autographs.”

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