Braves to build new stadium inside Cobb County Waffle House

By NOTMLBTonight
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Updated: November 12, 2013

Atlanta Braves fans witnessed a league-best 56 home victories during the 2013 regular season, yet their most exciting moment appeared to be the opening of a Waffle House stand in Turner Field back in July. With that in mind, the franchise announced earlier this week that a new stadium for the Braves would be built inside a Waffle House in Cobb County, northwest of downtown Atlanta. The team will make the move official during the 2017 season.

Braves President John Schuerholz stressed this transition is all about the fans. “When we polled fans at the stadium about what they wanted most from us, the prevailing answer wasn’t a World Series championship or a consistent winner or BJ Upton demoted back to Little League (though that was the second most frequent response). They wanted more Waffle House, which is quite understandable. There’s no better way to drown your sorrows after yet another October choke than with a quart of maple syrup drizzled over Waffle House waffles and hashbrowns.”

“We also realize that there tends to be a lot of empty seats in our stadium, even in October,” Schuerholz continued. “Our fans need more than playoff baseball to entice them to come out to the games. Waffle Houses, on the other hand, never seem to be empty. It was a logical union.”

Following are some of Waffle House Stadium’s expected features:

Seating capacity of 44,000 – 34,000 of which will be in booths.
The bathrooms will have hot and cold running syrup.
Certain bathrooms will be specifically designated for drunken hookups only.
Instead of day-night doubleheaders, the Braves are expecting MLB approval of night-early morning doubleheaders to take advantage of anticipated sellouts resulting from crowds arriving after local bars close.
When a Braves player hits a home run, former Braves pitcher (and, as described by David Letterman, “fat tub of goo”) Terry Forster will descend down a slide into a vat of sausage gravy.
Anyone asking for a crepe will be escorted out of the building by Brian McCann.
Beyond the left field wall will be a vomitorium, not just for fan who gorge themselves on too much Waffle House cuisine, but for those who just had to suffer through watching Evan Gattis trying to field a fly ball.