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REPORT: Bills name paper boy Timmy O’Toole starting QB

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With EJ Manuel out, and Tuel Time unable to function correctly without Al Borland, the Bills are quickly running out of options at QB. So they’ve gone off the grid to find one (much like how they found a head coach). They signed free agent Timmy O’Toole and named him the team’s starting QB. Timmy isn’t just any free agent though. He was working locally as a paper boy (yes apparently some people actually still get news from a newspaper, we call them “old people”). He’s also 12 years old.

Bills coach Doug Marrone: “We really like Timmy. We felt Timmy was the best free agent QB available. He’s got a great arm, and is very accurate, sporting an incredible 85% paper to front door rate. That’s accuracy we haven’t seen around here since some guy named Jim Kelly was losing Super Bowls every year. To be honest, we only negotiated with Josh Freeman to get Timmy to lower his price. He was demanding to be paid $50, 20 cookies and a juice box per game, we were able to settle on $30, 10 cookies and a bag of M&M’s per game. Very fair.”

What does Timmy think of his new big boy job? “Its really cool because it gets me out of making my bed and taking out the trash,” Timmy said. “I hate that crap. Chores are like vegetables and the Jaguars, they all really suck. I’ve asked coach Marrone if I can skip Math homework too. I don’t need geometry to know not to throw it to Pacman Jones or not to even look in Vontaze Burfict’s direction. If he does that, I guarantee we’ll win this weekend.” Uh oh a guarantee? Looks like we’ve got next Joe Namath…watch out Suzy Kolber.

The team has also taken precautions to make sure there aren’t any wells anywhere near Ralph Wilson Stadium or the practice field so that Timmy doesn’t have a repeat of what happened when he was visiting Springfield. Took them forever to get him out. But how long will Timmy be the starter? Remains to be seen. EJ Manuel will eventually get healthy, or ESPN could pay the Bills a buttload to sign Tim Tebow so they had a reason to talk about him again. You never really know.

One thing is for sure, between Timmy and Jeff, there’s going to be quite the Tool Duel (or Dual Tool even) in Buffalo.

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