Reds Announce New Manager

By NOTMLBTonight
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Updated: October 5, 2013

The Reds wasted little time filling the vacancy created at manager when they parted ways with Dusty Baker. In a revolutionary move, they have decided to turn the reigns over to Baker’s greatest critic – Twitter. All on field decisions will flow through the social media giant. Management refused to acknowledge whether part of the deal includes input on roster decisions, though Twitter will undoubtedly make its opinions on that off-site known.
“If there is one thing we have learned over the years (and particularly this season), it’s that Twitter has all the answers to what ails this team,” Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty told local beat reporters. “Twitter covers the game from every angle simultaneously and it does so with no ambiguity. They have no doubts about how to run this team, so why should we?”
The new Reds manager seems eager for the challenge.

I am very pleased to have been chosen to manage the Cincinnati Reds franchise on behalf of all of Twitter. #blessed

— New Reds Manager (@NewRedsManager) October 5, 2013

We have learned in recent seasons that the on-field decisions are best left to the whims of the masses on social media. #TwitterLineup

— New Reds Manager (@NewRedsManager) October 5, 2013

For example, who should pitch to the heart of the opponent's order in the bottom of the 9th in a tie game? FAV for LeCure. RT for Chapman.

— New Reds Manager (@NewRedsManager) October 5, 2013

While baseball has been resistant to new age analytics, it has been surprisingly open to incorporating technology. Having a cyber-manager is a logical next step after the success of another recent tech infusion – Skynet’s T-66 cyborg, better known as Yasiel Puig.
Any success that comes from this decision would have a dramatic ripple effect throughout the sports landscape. The NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars will be following the Reds closely with an eye on hiring Instagram as their Offensive Coordinator. Penn State’s football program may designate Chat Roulette as their primary recruiter.
And what would the future hold for for the new Reds manager?

I am quite excited about the possibility of becoming a player-manager down the road since Twitter knows more about hitting than Joey Votto.

— New Reds Manager (@NewRedsManager) October 5, 2013

Following months of intense scrutiny by his would-be replacement over everything from his lineups to his bullpen usage to his obsession with the bunt, outgoing manager Dusty Baker made the following comment about the team’s most recent moves: “I f****** hate Twitter.”