Texans name Peyton Manning starting QB

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: October 14, 2013

After 5.5 games of crashing into walls every 20 minutes on the Matt Schaub train, and a nightmare half of the T.J. Yates experience, the Texans weren’t sure where to go next at QB. Then it hit them. A football, specifically, that was thrown by Matt Schaub and intended for Andre Johnson, hit coach Gary Kubiak in the back of the head. After icing his head, he then realized what he could do. Something more rare than Jesus coming back from the dead to kick Tim Tebow in the nuts happened on Sunday: Peyton Manning threw a pick six.

Having cornered the market on pick sixes, Kubiak decided this was his opportunity. So he named Peyton Manning starting QB. “He threw a pick six, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s ours now,” Kubiak said. “The paperwork will sort itself out later. Meantime, we finally have a QB that will actually perform and not piss himself every week. You know Peyton will be all about selling these Pick 6 jerseys I keep seeing, he’d cut off a finger for more endorsement opportunities. Elway’s probably bitter, but after carrying his laundry and getting his coffee for so many years, he can seriously kiss my ass. He owes me.”

John Elway’s response? “He’s insane.” Elway then went back to his regular Monday night dinner of hay and carrots. But Kubiak really may have a concussion from that football Schaub threw, he should probably get himself checked out. If he does, Roger Goodell and Texan fans will be literally slobbering with excitement over the fine/suspension possibilities for Matt Schaub giving his coach a concussion. Or maybe he’s just that crazy to think he can actually name a player on someone else’s roster as his starting QB.

After what he’s been through in Houston this year already, would you really blame him for trying?