REPORT: NFL to ban fun, anyone caught having fun will be fined $25K

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: March 25, 2014

Roger Goodell is tired of these dirty rotten celebrators always being one step of his celebration testing and new celebration rules. So he’s decided enough is enough. According to a report, Roger Goodell has decided to ban “fun.” That’s right, anyone caught having fun will be immediately fined $25,000. Roger isn’t messing around. He’s also officially changing the name of the National Football League to something that people have called it for years now: the No Fun League.

The NFL’s new logo

“The NFL is a serious business designed to make me…I mean make everybody millions and millions of dollars,” Goodell said. “What do you people think this is: a game? Fun distracts from what the NFL is designed to do: teach kids the importance of safety. Do we want them growing up being crazy drug using gun wielding women shagging football players or men who wear helmets and shoulder pads everywhere they go to make sure they don’t get hurt? That question answers itself.” Yes it does.

Here are the new “No-fun rules” and corresponding punishments for violating said rules:

Section 666 The No Fun Rules

1. Anyone (players, coaches, fans, etc) seen “laughing” or “smiling” or “dancing” or “cheering” or “doing whatever it is the kids do today” within 50 miles of a football stadium or broadcast will be immediately subjected to a $25,000 fine.

2. Repeat offenders will be required to enter the NFL’s “Fun abuse” program where they will be subjected to watching paint dry for 3 hours a day to cure them of their fun abuse problem.

3. Whoever is caught 3 times will be sent to death row. Zero Tolerance.

4. Anyone who attempts to appeal these punishments will be executed on the spot. No one questions Dear Leader Goodell.

Will this cure the league of its’ fun problem? It remains to be seen.

The next step is adding flags, which according to sources is only a couple years away. Other future changes include removing “scandalous” cheerleader outfits (Goodell: “Sexy outfits are more dangerous to player and fan safety than helmet to helmet collisons. With how many Viagra pills our fans take, 4 hour erections are a real problem.”), removing female sideline reporters (Goodell: “another real danger”), removing the sale of alcohol, removing food, and then removing cheerleaders period.

A look at the future of the No Fun League

So in 2025, when you attend an NFL “event” (remember, it’s not a “game”), remember: be serious, dress business casual, wear your helmet and shoulder pads (safety first), bring 2 copies of your resume, and make sure to add everyone you meet on LinkedIn. That’s what the NFL is about: networking. And safety. None of this fun stuff.

Roger Goodell