NFL Fan: “I checked myself into rehab to survive the offseason”

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: August 4, 2013

The Hall of Fame game between the Cowboys and Dolphins (or at least guys wearing those uniforms, it’s kinda like going to a Halloween party and a game between all the guys in football costumes broke out) means those words everybody has been longing to hear for so long can finally be said: Football is back! Real, American football, not that soft sport some call “soccer” and others call “the one sport where being straight is weird.”

It’s been a long six months, and some have been very desperate for football to come back, offering to sacrifice limbs. One fan told us just how desperate he was, and where it led him. “I’ve been a dark, dark place for the last 3 months. I mean free agency and the draft were great, but it got to the point of where I was offering to unspeakable things to other men just to catch a replay of a preseason game. I’m not even gay…I just really needed it man.”

Wow. He continued, “I was desperate to find some money to help me see some football. I sold everything I had, even my TV. I was so messed up that I didn’t even realize that I actually needed a TV to watch football. So at that point I checked myself into rehab. I knew I was an addict. They don’t have football addiction meetings, so I went to AA meetings. While others said “I’m Tom, and I’m an alcoholic,” I said “I’m Gary, and I’m a Cowboys fan.”

See what you’ve done Jerry Jones? Gary continued, “The laughter was rough at first, but then others starting coming clean. One guy said he offered to take a shot every time Jay Cutler got sacked or through a pick, and within 3 weeks became an alcoholic. Another said he had to stay drunk to even tolerate watching the Jets try to play what they called offense. A third said he was a Cardinals fan, and he couldn’t even say another word before busting into tears.”

AA’s starting to sound like a group of guys you’d see at a random bar. Gary continued, “So we became friends, and together I made it back to the season without touching any other men in their special places. I’m not sure how I’ll do when February rolls around, but I don’t have to worry about that for 6 months. We can talk 48 game schedule at that point. All I’d like to say now is I’m glad football is back.” Amen brother. Amen.