2013 Stanley Cup Playoff Predictions: Eastern Conference Finals

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of conference matchups. The winner of the next two series gets the honor of playing for the Stanley Cup (which shouldn’t even be played for this year, since half the season was erased due to a lockout, tainting the honor of being inscribed on the glorious trophy, but I digress.)

Who moves on? The Penguins, and their Miami Heat-esque roster that took the Ottawa Senators and ROFL-stomped them? What about the Bruins, who survived a 3-1 deficit to the Maple Leafs? (On second thought, maybe that collapse was to be expected. It’s the Leafs, after all.) Maybe the Blackhawks, who rallied from a 3-1 deficit to the Red Wings and won in dramatic fashion after a referee (whose name I won’t publish for his protection) decided to call Buffalo Wild Wings and keep the game alive when it appeared that the Blackhawks had won late in the 3rd period? Or maybe the Kings, who need back-to-back Stanley Cup titles to finally be able to make sexual assault jokes with impunity?

Here at NOTSC, we pride ourselves on putting our spin on things. Predictions, especially. After all, what up-and-coming parody website would we be if we didn’t try to put our spin on game predictions? So, here are the next set of predictions for you to enjoy.

Eastern Conference Finals

1) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 4) Boston Bruins

In a normal story, whenever a bear and a penguin meet each other, the final result is a satisfied bear, a devoured penguin, and a bloody ice pack that sits alone and unoccupied in the frozen wastes. Now, what do you think would happen if this same scene occurred, but the penguin was armed with three machine guns and a hydrogen bomb? Oh, and Pierre McGuire narrating the whole thing, obviously infatuated by the über-penguin?

Such is the case in this matchup. The Bruins, fresh off a huge comeback, are trying to make a return to the Stanley Cup Finals. The Penguins are as well. The major difference is that the Bruins have a good team, while the Penguins have a ridiculous team. One of the many storylines that will be beaten to death by the media will be the Jarome Iginla angle. Yeah, he may have been Boston bound before the Penguins swooped in and got him, but you will hear that again and again as if the story broke three minutes ago.

One of the biggest area to watch in this series is the goaltending matchup. Tuukka Rask has had a rough time as Boston’s netminder, but his team’s offense continues to bail him out. Pittsburgh’s Tomas Vokoun has been stellar for the Pens, but fans are quick to forget that Vokoun was Marc-Andre Fleury’s backup this season. Goalies aren’t backups for no reason.

All in all, I expect this series to be explosive, yet brief. Tuukka Rask will face the absurd talent that is Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and the rest of the Penguins squad, and will subsequently fold like a napkin. And while the Bruins will rally behind their city and their scorers, it can be assumed that Boston just can’t stand to the Steel of Pittsburgh. On the bright side, our exposure to Pierre will be brief. Maybe not brief enough, though.

Prediction: Penguins over Bruins in 6

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2 Comments

1. 

   Christopher Pare

   at

   Pens in 6 huh… What did you think about Tuukka Rask folding in Game 1 douchebags at NOTSC. You definitely are not Sports Center since your logic is the same as a plain baked potatoe in between your moms asscheeks. So watch closely as the Bruins shove a mopstick up the Pens asses and begin to slosh them back and forth throughout the season. I understand that you guys are new… Mabey in another 10 years you guys can actually make a pragmatic prediction. Cumming in strong inside your mom. Up and in, over and out, if you don’t know what you’re saying, then shut your mouth! Bruins in 6!!!! GO BRUINS!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Reply
   • 

     NOTSCNHL

     at

     We here at NOTSC have a mission: Provide real sports news and stories with a fake twist. It’s practically the logo for the website. That being said, it should be expected that our work is not to be taken seriously.

     As for your comment, in the words of Samuel L. Jackson’s character in the film “Pulp Fiction,” “Allow me to retort.” First off, we are not “douchebags.” Inanimate objects cannot type, nor are they funny. Your comparison between our logic and a baked “potato” (correct spelling inserted) inserted between my mother’s backside is rather confusing. I will admit your “prediction” of what the Bruins will do to the Penguins is amusing to picture, but there’s a small problem: the season is over. Since the Penguins are eliminated from the playoffs, that “sloshing” you excitedly described just cannot happen. Take a look at the following definition.

     Prediction (noun): A statement about what will happen or might happen in the future.

     Note the “Might happen” portion of that definition. You might want to look up the definition of the word “pragmatic” as well, considering that predictions are based on opinions, and a pragmatic prediction is technically impossible, since, to make it easy for you to understand, guessing the future means that there needs to be opinions, which, by definition, are not pragmatic, since pragmatic things are completely based on facts. Can you predict the future with 100% accuracy?… I thought so. “Maybe” (correct spelling inserted) in 10 years the internet will have filters that automatically fix spelling errors and other assorted typos, but it won’t fix stupidity such as your scholarly comment. We thank you for your comment, though, as it provided us with a good laugh, and we hope that you can take this rebuttal and use it to make more grammatically correct complaints in the future. Have a nice day.

     Reply