2013 Stanley Cup Final Predictions


At last, we have reached the end. The final series that will determine which team took a half-season and made it their own, and which team scores the honor of being first loser. (Hey, we all know second place is really first loser, admit it.)

It all comes down to the Boston Bruins and the Chicago Blackhawks, The Chicago Blackhawks absolutely trashed the regular season, clinching the best record and a #1 overall seed. After dismantling the Minnesota Wild in 5 (In retrospect, maybe this series would have been more exciting if the Columbus Blue Jackets had made it instead. Oh well.), they ran into the Detroit Red Wings, who dragged them seven games before the Blackhawks finally emerged victorious. Facing the Los Angeles Quick’s, er, Kings, the Blackhawks blew the rape whistle on them, knocking them out in five. (By the way, as long as I am the fingers behind the NOTSCNHL keyboard, I will never let the Kings live down that ill-advised joke. Deal with it.)

The Boston Bruins took a different road. Right out the gate, they had to go seven with the Maple Leafs, coming back from a deficit to force overtime, where they won in dramatic fashion (Which raises the question: If a team has to make a comeback from a 3-1 deficit vs. the Leafs, do they really deserve to be in the playoffs? Think about it.). That must have been absolutely terrifying, since they tore Henrik Lundqvist and the Rangers to shreds in five games before moving on and doing the before-thought impossible and sweeping the Penguins. (I never thought I would type that previous description. Crazy, eh?).

Now, as we have done throughout the playoffs, it’s time to predict the winner of the Stanley Cup. A run-of-the-mill prediction won’t cut it, though. This time, these predictions will be broken down to the individual games. Yep. You read that right. If you have any thoughts, reactions, or “better ideas,” feel free to comment below. Shall we begin?


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 1

The series begins with a flourish, with both squads racing around the ice and setting up perfect chances. Both goalies stand on their heads, until Tuukka Rask finally gives up his first goal in a long while. Pierre McGuire is having a hard time adjusting, still calling Brad Marchand “Malkin” and silently weeps every time he is corrected. Rask keeps the Bruins in the game, but a soft goal with a couple minutes left in the third proves to be the clincher. By the end of the game, the fans are beginning to get hostile as alcohol and the game’s result sink in, with Patrick Kane sharing some drinks with rowdy fans and cab drivers throughout Chicago are put on alert.

Prediction: Blackhawks defeat Bruins 2-0, take 1-0 series lead


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 2

Game two turns into a blowout quickly, with the Bruins, led by Ference, Jagr (finally!), and Lucic, exploiting the lapses the Chicago defense has after getting too full of themselves after their shutting down of the Bruins in game one. Corey Crawford is chased, and the Blackhawks continue to get pushed around until the third period. Toews and Hossa break through in the first few minutes, and the Bruins find themselves fighting for the win. An empty net goal seals the win, and Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville finds himself on the hot-seat, again. Chicago fans are brutal.

Prediction: Bruins defeat Blackhawks 4-2, tie series 1-1


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 3

As the series moves to Boston, the city decides to get as much attention as possible and offers Tim Tebow tickets to the game. His presence provides a major attention boost to the game, with SportsCenter obligated to pay attention to the game for once, considering the Almighty Tebow is gracing the ice with his presence. The Blackhawks, enraged with the non-stop attention given to Tebow, absolutely demolish the Bruins, chasing Tuukka Rask by the middle of the second period after peppering him with shot after shot. Four fans in attendance are killed as errant slapshots clocking in at 100+ mph are fired into the stands in an attempt to seriously injure the Patriots’ new waterboy quarterback, and the game mercifully ends before more people are killed. It is a dark day in hockey history.

Prediction: Blackhawks defeat Bruins 6-0, take 2-1 series lead. Duncan Keith charged with 1st degree murder


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 4

After holding memorial services for the fallen victims of game three, the Bruins have erected full-coverage nets around the rink as well as banned Tim Tebow from ever entering TD Garden again. The team is still shell shocked by the previous game’s brutality, and the Blackhawks capitalize early, taking a quick lead via goals from Oduya and Sharp. The Bruins fight back, though, and manage to tie the game through a super-human effort by Nathan Horton. The game appears primed for overtime, but a well-placed pass by Zdeno Chara sets up a breakaway for Tyler Seguin who scores with mere seconds left to give Boston the win. The crowd erupts as the Blackhawks quickly retreat for the team plane back to Chicago.

Prediction: Bruins defeat Blackhawks 3-2, tie series 2-2


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 5

Returning to the United Center, the Blackhawks appeal to their fans to provide the energy that will help them to take the series lead. One exceptionally drunk fan decides to show support (and take a dig at Detroit Red Wings fans) by throwing an object on the ice. His choice of throwing a tomahawk, however, damages the ice and finds him locked up in jail. Instead, the team brings legend Bobby Hull to the game to be the token good-luck charm. Boston responds by flying in Bobby Orr, and both teams’ fans urge them to take the ice. Both decline. (Boston forgets, however, that Orr finished his stellar career with the Blackhawks, so the Blackhawks technically receive double the good luck.) Boston opens the scoring with two quick goals by Marchand and Krug, however, and Rask manages to do the impossible and get a shutout in Chicago, proving that luck is no match for skill.

Prediction: Bruins defeat Blackhawks 2-0, take 3-2 series lead


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 6

As the series moves back to Boston, Bruins fans begin to do something that is both unthinkable and cheap. They begin using the “Boston Strong” motto from the Bombings as a claim that they deserve to win the Cup, and any Blackhawks fan that says otherwise gets verbally harassed and, in a couple cases, fights break out. The Blackhawks, facing elimination, play their hearts out, with the Bruins unable to mount any form of sustained pressure against them. As the final horn sounds, signifying game seven, hockey analysts at TSN begin to salivate at the prospect of what might become the most epic series finale in years. ESPN doesn’t say anything.

Prediction: Blackhawks defeat Bruins 4-1, tie series 3-3


Stanley Cup Finals: Game 7

The city of Chicago is in a frenzy as the final game of the Stanley Cup Finals approaches. President Barack Obama calls the team to show his support, prompting Boston to withdraw all support for his administration as well as begin labeling him a traitor. The Chicago Cubs are in attendance, as they want to experience what the atmosphere is like around a team that makes it this far into the playoffs. The game is one for the ages. Both Rask and Crawford play so well that the Flyers and Penguins have contracts ready for both to sign as soon as the game ends, which prompts Gary Bettman to fine both teams for tampering. The Bruins take the lead first on an absolute missile of a shot by Chara late in the third period, and the Bruins immediately ratchet up the defense in order to hold on for the win. However, with less than ten seconds on the clock, Bryan Bickell ties the game, automatically giving him legend status in Chicago as well as forcing overtime. The first overtime is a flurry of activity, but no one can break through, forcing double overtime. Attention on the game is the highest attention the NHL has received since the lockout, and both Bettman and Don Fehr are seen laughing on a yacht in the Mediterranean Sea, smoking Cuban cigars wrapped in $100 bills. As double overtime begins, Nick Leddy clears the puck into the zone, which banks off the boards, off Rask’s skate, and into the goal. Both cities burn to the ground in the resulting riots.

Prediction: Blackhawks defeat Bruins 2-1, win Stanley Cup

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