NOTSportsCenter’s 2013 NHL Mock Draft

Newark — Not even a week after the Stanley Cup Playoffs come to a conclusion, and we are here at the Draft, that glorious institution that creates mock drafts for us puny sports addicts to drool over and fantasize about. This draft will be a special one, courtesy of the lockout. In this draft, all seven rounds will occur on the same day. For your reading convenience (and my desire to avoid carpal tunnel), I, NOTSCNHL, have only mocked the first round, with no trades occurring (Sorry Edmonton, no first overall pick for you). Enjoy.

 

1. Colorado Avalanche: Patrick Roy

Colorado recently hired Patrick Roy as head coach and vice president of hockey operations. In an unprecedented move, Patrick Roy drafts…himself. Assuming the NHL’s by-laws don’t prevent this, it’s an automatic improvement in net for the Avalanche. Besides, I want to see a goalie play in a three-piece suit.

 

2. Florida Panthers: A Time Machine

Yes, you read that right. The team, desperate to re-live the glory of their playoff trip last season, drafts an experimental quantum tunneling time machine, hoping that it’ll make them playoff contenders forever. We don’t know if it will work or not, considering that the team will probably vanish from existence in our current reality forever, but good luck to them!

 

3. Tampa Bay Lightning: Zeus

Considering the team is named after lightning, Steve Yzerman decides that the team needs the best lightning-oriented being ever. Enter Zeus. Once his holdout on Mount Olympus is resolved, Zeus is expected to wreak unholy terror upon opponents, with the most skilled ones banished to Tartarus for an eternity of punishment. Not bad, Tampa. Not bad.

 

4. Nashville Predators: Pekka Rinne

The Predators need scoring. Badly. So what do they do? Do they draft a high profile goal machine? Do they get a player who will become a point-per-game guy? Nope. They draft a goalie, of course. And not just any goalie, no. They draft a goalie they already have. Yep, Nashville logic at its finest. No wonder Shea Weber tried to bolt.

 

5. Carolina Hurricanes: ???? Staal

The Hurricanes have an obsession with the Staal family. In a move that is extreme, illegal, and absolutely creepy, the team declares that they will draft the first son of the three Staal’s on the team (Eric, Jordan, or Jared) who is a hockey player, regardless of talent, when the child reaches 18 years old. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ husband, ’cause they drafting every Staal boy out there.

 

6. Calgary Flames: A New Stadium

The Flames hit the jackpot this year, stockpiling three first round choices to rebuild with. Flooding in the Alberta province ruined the Scotiabank Saddledome. Arena problems. Rebuilding. Makes sense to me. Trading in this first round pick for a brand-new stadium, the Flames begin the process of bringing back the fans. I wonder if they’ll use another first rounder on a new mascot…

 

7. Edmonton Oilers: Nobody

It seems like Edmonton has the first overall pick every year. In fact, the team was so used to picking first, that when they were told they were on the clock with the seventh pick, they were so confused on how to proceed that they didn’t even make a pick. The clock came and went, and no representative made even a split-second decision on anyone or anything. Gary Bettman even called them to offer suggestions, but to no avail. This is the first time in history a team with a top-ten selection defaulted on the clock. Impressive. The Oilers are first in something after all.

 

8. Buffalo Sabres: CJ Spiller

The Sabres are in full rebuild mode. Wanting to start by landing a speedy player, head coach Ron Rolston walks over to the Buffalo Bills’ training camp site and drags running back CJ Spiller to the podium, making him the first hockey-football player. Fans can’t wait to see him grab the puck, juke past a couple defensemen, and blast through the opposing goalie, spiking the puck through the ice like throwing a knife into a tub of butter. I can’t either.

 

9. New Jersey Devils: Satan

In another instance where a team selects based on its name, the New Jersey Devils plunge Newark into the very depths of Hell, selecting the Dark One with the ninth pick. Armed with a stick of fire and skates made of pure evil, the Son of Perdition shall torment the souls of humanity (as well as melt untold sheets of ice) with his unholy play. Man is doomed until the Chosen One is drafted to save us all. Have faith, brothers. Have faith.

 

10. Dallas Stars: Wendy Davis

The Dallas Stars have a plethora of options at this pick. However, one person demonstrated their worth above all others. Wendy Davis. For those unaware, Wendy Davis (Democrat, Texas) delivered a roughly eleven hour filibuster in the Texas state legislature on June 25 in order to stall a vote on an anti-abortion bill. Her ability to shut down other people for eleven hours convinced the Stars to draft her as the first female defenseman, er, defensewoman, in NHL history. I hope she doesn’t protest.

 

Next page: picks 11-20

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