NHL Suspension Criteria Revealed

New York– The NHL is scrambling to initiate damage control after online hackers found and revealed the criteria behind Brendan Shanahan’s suspensions.

This group, who wished to be referred to as the “Ice Knights” until they agreed on a formal name, managed to crack heavy encryption in order to recover numerous documents in which the NHL directed a set of rules and conditions to Brendan Shanahan so he could “properly apply the appropriate discipline to those who commit numerous infractions with disregard to the ordinances of the league.”

After being contacted by this group, we here at NOTSC have decided that it is in the best interest of sports fans everywhere to publish these criteria. For NHL fans, such as myself, this serves as an explanation behind Shanahan’s seemingly erratic disciplinary measures. For those who are not hockey fans, you can have a taste of what we hockey fans have to endure every time a player faces discipline.

Here are the criteria for disciplinary actions. We have translated them from legalese to English, for your convenience.

 

Note: There are three types of offenses: trivial, minor, and major.

 

Inaction

The offense is trivial in nature.

The offense is deemed to be a “freak occurrence” that normally would not occur.

The offender plays for a high-profile team (eg. Flyers, Red Wings, Kings, Canucks).

The offender’s team was playing against the Coyotes (No favoritism allowed…ha!)

 

Fines

Making comments against the league.

First time the offender is brought to [Shanahan’s] attention.

The offender plays for a high-profile team, but has committed a previous trivial infraction.

 

One-to-five games

The offender”s first minor infraction.

The player on the receiving end of the hit received a minor injury

The offender’s second minor infraction.

The offender plays for a high-profile team, but has committed at least two minor infractions, been fined at least twice, and is relatively ugly.

 

Five-to-ten games

The offender’s third minor infraction, which turns into a major infraction.

The offender’s target receives a major injury.

[Shanahan] just doesn’t like the guy.

The offender’s target plays for a high-profile team.

 

Ten+ games

Automatically given to Raffi Torres, regardless of legality.

The offender just doesn’t learn.

[Shanahan] really wants to get under fans’ skin

 

Lifetime Ban

Talking back against the judgments of the almighty Shanahan.

Raffi Torres* (*It’s only a matter of time*)

Any infraction that results in career ending injury or death.

 

Note: Shanahan is to show leniency to the following players:

– Dustin Brown (An American captain can’t do any wrong.)

– Todd Bertuzzi (He’s clean.)

– Any member of the Red Wings (except the young players, I mean, we can’t let all of them get away)

– Matt Cooke (Let’s make the Canadian fans angry, shall we?)

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