Details of Ed Reed’s contract with the Jets


On Thursday, Ed Reed found a home, reaching a deal with the suddenly not as bad as everyone thought but probably still not good enough to do anything more than go one and done Jets, so you can stop tossing quarters at him already. For the last time, despite how it looks, he is NOT homeless. Many wonder how much Ed Reed has left in the tank at this point (or even a tank at all), but according to sources, his contract is very friendly for a man of advancing years (you have to be very gentle with the elderly).

Details of Reed’s contract:
-Tuesdays off to play Bingo at the VA (he’s not actually a veteran, but he looks like one so close enough)
-Thursdays off to feed the ducks at the pond
-Two team dinners at 5:00 each week so that Ed can catch the Early Bird special
-A guaranteed case of Ensure Plus (he needs the extra vitamins) each week
-A brand new artificial hip (he didn’t actually need one, but they figure they might as well give him a tune up anyway)
-A hearing aid for each ear (same deal)
-A clapper (so that he doesn’t have to waste precious energy turning the light on and off)
-A brand new chromed out walker from Nike’s forthcoming “Elderly swag” collection

Quite an incentive package, especially that chrome walker, which should be quite popular with Oregon alums.

The Jets asked if Reed can use the walker on the field, and were swiftly rejected. Roger Goodell told them “No, it’s a performance enhancer, and I’m going to have to fine you and Reed for asking such a stupid question.” That’s 3 fines this week alone for Reed ( before he’s even stepped on the field. Goodell’s licking his lips at the thought of how much he can fine when he actually plays.

Reed will get a chance to play against his old Ravens in Baltimore in Week 12, which would be his 2nd game there this year, except Reed insists that its’ only his first. He claims he doesn’t remember a 30-9 loss by the Texans and has no idea who this “Matt Schaub” is that people keep referring to. Either he’s already suffering memory loss or he just doesn’t want to remember the Schaub experience (can you blame him?). Or both. Probably both, he better start chugging those Ensures just to be safe.

What can Ed Reed do for the Jets? We shall see. In the mean time: get off his lawn. And turn that damn music down.

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