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Patriots sign Tim Tebow, whose bright idea was it to do that?

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On Monday June 10th, the unthinkable happened. No, Miami Heat fans didn’t stop crying; that’s never going to happen. Tim Tebow got another NFL job, with the Patriots. Doing what? Nobody’s sure. One anonymous Patriot: “Belichick likes Starbucks coffee in the morning and doesn’t have time to go get it. He’ll probably be in charge of that.” That’s a pretty good guess. But that’s not what the reports are. Reports are that he’ll stay at QB, which if true, means he’ll probably cut get before you finish reading this.

There are some suggestions that he’ll be learning TE. That would make the most sense, considering Bill Belichick likes tight ends as much as Rob Gronkowski likes to drink. In fact, according to sources, that’s where this idea came from: a Rob Gronkowski drunk fest. Gronk, about 14 or so beers deep and fresh off his latest surgery, reportedly l told Tom Brady, “DUDE. We should sign Tim Tebow.” Brady reportedly responded, “Gronk, go home. You’re drunk.”

Gronk elaborated, “Um first of all, I’m pretty sure I am home. That’s my clock on the wall that says 85 o’clock. Damn, it’s pretty late. But yeah, we should totally sign Tebow just to screw with everyone. Especially the Jets. How funny would it be to see him throw, run, and catch a TD all in the same game against them?” Brady busted out laughing: “Hahahahahaha wow you’re right. Nothing I love more than stickin it to fat boy Rex. I’ll tell Belichick.”

Once Bill Belichick heard Brady and Gronk’s idea, he was immediately on board. Belichick reportedly told Brady, “I really do hate that guy, that statement I made was so fake. This will be fun. I can screw with him, screw with the media, screw with the Jets. I’ll say we’re starting him at QB and you at TE Week One just to see the reaction. It’ll be great. It’s like all the times I cut and re-signed that Ross Ventrone guy until he finally got wise to it.”

What does the future hold for Tim Tebow? With Bill Belichick running the show literally anything could happen. They now have a TE at basically every position. He could run an 11 TE offense with Tebow at “QB”, just so the entire planet’s heads explode when it happens. How would you cover that? Or he could walk in the locker room and say “y’all mofos need Jesus, so here he is” and walk out and have Tebow walk in to lead the team prayer. With Bill Belichick calling the shots, you just never know.

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