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Pittsburgh Penguins Facing Sanctions For Excessive Trading

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Pittsburgh– In a shocking move, the Pittsburgh Penguins franchise is facing sanctions from the NHL for excessive trading practices.

“I can understand the desire to improve your team for the stretch run,” commissioner Gary Bettman announced to the media after meeting with team officials. “But, seriously, enough is enough. The deadline already passed!”

GM Ray Shero is under scrutiny after sending multiple trade offers to multiple teams, including a record 477 after the trade deadline, which expired last Wednesday. Sources say the trades ranged from potentially feasible, to ridiculous, to downright bizarre.

“Yeah, he [Shero] offered me Tomas Vokoun for a washing machine and a bag of apples,” a Western Conference GM told NOTSC, wishing to remain anonymous. “When I declined, telling him it was after the deadline, he responded with an offer where we would trade one of our star players for a box of taco shells.”

Every team reportedly received at least 27 offers from the Penguins, with names such as Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, Ryan Miller, and even the entire St. Louis Blues roster tossed around in these trade offers.

“I guess after landing Iginla, Murray, and Morrow, they thought they could land everybody,” an Eastern Conference executive mused after hearing about the sanctions. “I mean, Shero is a bit of a control freak.”

Ray Shero, who did admit to sending trade offers, vehemently denied engaging in unscrupulous behavior.

“Sanction us?! Come on, surely it’s okay to discuss parameters of a deal with teams willing to listen. We were planning on waiting ’til the offseason before executing any of these proposals. Hey, is that an old microphone? I’ll trade ya one of our newer ones, if you’d like?”

Penguins fans’ reactions have been mostly in defense of the franchise.

“Everybody’s just jealous of our mad swag,” Tyrone Carter, a Pittsburgh native, told reporters on the scene. “They be hatin’ ’cause we be the best. Penguins fans holla!”

“Sidney Crosby, God bless him, got hurt after that freak slapshot, and now the NHL wants to punish us for trying to fill the void left by his absence?!” Michael Vincent, a fellow Penguins fan sporting a bedazzled Penguins Crosby jersey, bemoaned to us. “It’s not fair. Not fair at all. Nobody has it worse than us.”

Gary Bettman declined to reveal what the potential sanctions could be against the franchise, but rumors include a forfeiting of draft picks, a large fine, or even a complete disbanding of the franchise, making everybody a free agent. This will be a story to keep tabs on.

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