Pirates Schedule Collapse To Begin August 13th


If the Pirates know about anything, it’s collapsing after a strong first half. With that in mind, the franchise has announced that their 3rd annual second half collapse will begin on Tuesday, August 13th when the team begins a three game series at division rival St Louis.

“We’ve been down this road before, “ Pirates President Frank Coonelly told NOTSportsCenter MLB. “We care for our fans. They know this is coming, so we felt we owed it to them to be specific about the timetable so they can begin making other plans.” That timetable roughly coincides with the beginning of the Steelers’ preseason schedule. “Once the Steelers play their first game on the 10th,” explained Coonelly, “we pretty much lose the attention of all Pittsburgh fans anyway.”

Local sports fan Aron Coady agrees: “Look, I love the Pirates as much as anyone in this area. Once the Steelers and Penguins start to play, though, we don’t have time for anything else. It wasn’t until the Pirates began their season this year that I even bothered to ask how they finished last season.”

Even Steelers’ head coach Mike Tomlin chimed in on the subject. “We appreciate the Pirates keeping our organization and its fans in mind while making their late season plans. However, let’s be honest. The Pirates could win their division going away, sweep their way to the World Series and people here would still be talking about Steelers-Ravens.”

The team’s biggest concern involves their bullpen. While it has been outstanding thus far, they have been piling up innings almost as fast as the Yankees have been stockpiling injuries. “Our starters have been great, but they have the stamina of a college freshman hooking up with a cheerleader,” laments manager Clint Hurdle. “They’re in and out quickly, then someone else has to clean up the mess.”

Despite all of this, third baseman Brandon Inge envisions great things on the horizon at PNC Park. “I see a lot of similarities between this team and the Tigers team that broke a long playoff drought in 2006. First of all, I’m on the team. Second….well, I can’t think of any other similarities at the moment, but it’s essentially the same team.”

“Don’t listen to Inge,” says Hurdle. “That’s just the meth talking.”

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