Dodgers use DNA from Biogenesis PED users to create Yasiel Puig

The Dodgers’ spend money at a rate that would make the Pentagon jealous.  Of course, the result of their free-spending ways has brought them under more scrutiny than the IRS.  Many of their players are injured, while others would contribute to the team more if they were.  Matt Kemp is seeing a psychologist to treat amnesia because he has clearly forgotten that he is Matt Kemp and management is considering putting Andre Ethier on the disabled list with an extreme case of apathy.  The team that calls Chavez Ravine home is a hot mess, looking uglier than Tommy Lasorda’s shirt at an all-you-can-eat Italian buffet.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so the Dodgers decided to quadruple their already massive payroll to team with Biogenesis in order to create a genetically superior player.  Unbeknownst the their clients, Biogenesis has secretly been collecting the DNA of all the players whom they have been providing performance enhancing substances to over the years.  While Major League Baseball has been preoccupied trying to find their balls evidence of PED usage amongst their players, scientists worked in clandestine conditions to manufacture the baseball equivalent of a super soldier.  The result: Yasiel Puig.

It’s a billion dollar experiment that has already paid dividends on the field.  Puig has hit four home runs in his first five games.  Monetarily, ownership hopes to finally recoup some of that massive investment once many of the 93% of Dodgers fans who have already given up on the season turn their attention back to the boys in blue some time next April.

Just how good has the rookie been?  Management has had so much positive energy this week that they forgot the tell manager Don Mattingly that he was fired a week ago.  “I didn’t know one thing about this kid before this week”, Donny Baseball told reporters after Friday night’s game, “but he is definitely special.  I’d give up my paycheck to watch him play.  Now that I think about it, I still haven’t received my last check.  Also, Magic (Johnson, Dodgers co-owner) isn’t returning my calls.  Can any of you spare any cash so I can take a taxi home tonight?”

This move is not without risk, however.  First and foremost is the source of the DNA.  Biogenesis lead scientist overseeing the project, Dr Vic Phraankünsteen, elaborated through an interpreter: “If we were going to go through all this effort, we wanted to attempt to suppress some of the least desirable traits of those players whose DNA we were working with.  We had to initiate a chemical reaction that would keep Yasiel from developing Ryan Braun’s eyebrows or Bartolo Colon’s obesity, for example.”  Their results thus far are promising, though their greatest concern is trying to inhibit Alex Rodriguez’ choking attribute in October, something the Dodgers will likely be unable to test this year.

And what of concerns that the Commissioner’s office may scrutinize this collaboration with Biogenesis?  “I don’t expect any repercussions from Major League Baseball on this matter”, said a confident Dodgers CEO Stan Kasten.  “We told Bud Selig that Yasiel is from Narnia.  He thinks it’s near Ecuador.”

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