Shirtless Putin Welcomes Gay Athletes With Open Arms

With controversy building as the 2014 Sochi Games near, Russian President Vladamir Putin stressed as only he can that all are welcome in the host country.  At a recent press conference with International Olympic Committee officials, a shirtless Putin stepped to the podium to specifically welcome gay Olympic athletes into his home.  “I am truly disappointed in the misconceptions the rest of the world has about my beloved Mother Russia.  In fact, I would like to personally invite all of the gay competitors to stay with me at my personal palace on the Black Sea northeast of Sochi.  Swedish downhill skiers, French bobsledders, Canadian hockey players….there’s plenty of room for everybody.”

Putin even directed his secretary to mail invitations to certain athletes.

The invitation translates as follows

You are cordially invited to spend your time in Russia during the 2014 Winter Olympic Games at the personal palace of President Vladimir Putin. Your spirit has ignited his Olympic flame of passion. He would be honored if you would be his torch bearer.

While acknowledging that his seaside palace is nearly five hours from the locations where the events will be played, Putin insists transportation will not be an issue for his guests. “I will have my fleet of limousines ready and will travel with them personally. It may be a little cramped, however. Some may have to sit on my lap.”

After receiving the invitation, ambiguously gay Team Canada and Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Sidney Crosby told reporters, “Ewww…. I just …. No …. and did I mention ewww?”

When asked about implementation of Russia’s recent anti-gay laws, Putin replied that he “only signed them into law to convince Cher into boycotting our games. Our citizens have suffered enough with our current economic state. We don’t need to compound their suffering by making them listen to Cher during our time in the world’s spotlight.”

The president’s latest declaration has not gone over well with all members of parliament. Members of the far right wing Borscht Party released a joint statement through de facto leader Mischka Bachmanov: “President Putin’s announcement is an abomination and we do not approve, though we are not surprised. He had deceived us from the beginning. We are still waiting to see his birth certificate proving that he was not, in fact, born in Luxembourg.”

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