Quebec Declares War On NHL

By NOTNHLTonight
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Updated: August 8, 2013

Quebec City– In a move that defies belief, the Canadian province of Quebec has declared war. Not on Canada, as the recent independence movements would seem to suggest, but on hockey. Specifically, the NHL.

“Quebec has long been a deserving home of Canadian hockey,” Lieutenant Governor Pierre Duchesne said in an interview. “After having the NHL decide that hockey should continue being played in Mexico, or someplace like that, we felt that the NHL deserved to feel the wrath of the Nordiques!”

“We’re still trying to figure out what’s going on,” Commissioner Gary Bettman said at a press conference after learning the news. “I mean, what the heck is a ‘Nordique’ anyway?”

Confused? Let us break it down. Back in the 1990’s, the Canadian dollar was weak. Very weak. So weak that it makes Sidney Crosby look invincible by comparison. With players paid in US dollars at the time, Canadian teams were struggling to pay their debts, both figuratively and literally (There are reports of players being paid with wheelbarrows filled with cash). The NHL’s solution? Relocation! The Quebec Nordiques were the first to go, relocating to Denver to become the Colorado Avalanche.

However, two years after relocation, the NHL decided to start “revenue sharing.” This infusion of funding helped the remaining Canadian teams (Winnipeg moved to Phoenix (or Mexico, according to Quebec) the year after the Nordiques moved) achieve financial stability. This is cited by Lt. Gov. Duchesne as the starting point of the conflict.

“If they [NHL] had started revenue sharing earlier, both the Nordiques and Jets would have been saved, and nobody would have bothered with those petty imitations in Colorado or Mexico,” Lt. Gov. Duchesne stated in the interview.

While this all seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal, two recent events magnified the situation. The resolution of the Coyotes ownership debacle, combined with the NHL’s planned interference in the Devils ownership struggles, have set the predominately French-speaking province on the war-path.

“Now, look at where we are. We were prepared to offer the NHL $756 billion, in US dollars, I might add, to bring the Original Jets [He refused to refer to the Phoenix Coyotes as the Coyotes] back to Canada, but Gary Bettman decided that hockey belongs in Hell, so he settled for a paltry $170 million to keep them there,” Lt. Gov. Duchesne ranted. “Once we heard the Devils might become available, we were about to send a delegation down there to purchase the team, only to be told not to bother, the team was staying in New Jersey. What’s in New Jersey, anyway, besides obese governors and Snooki?”

When asked what the province would do after declaring “war,” the Lt. Governor declined to elaborate.

“One does not reveal battle plans,” Duchesne retorted. “You will see soon enough.”

However, sources have revealed the French province’s plans on condition of anonymity. They revealed the province plans to have numerous soldiers, dressed in Nordiques jerseys, march on NHL’s offices in New York. Upon taking control of the office, they would essentially hold the league hostage, executing personnel until a team had been relocated to Quebec City, all non-traditional hockey markets were contracted, and every remaining team forfeits their star players and first round draft picks to the new Quebec franchise. When asked why they didn’t just award themselves the Cup every year, the sources said that “That would put an end to the NHL, and they wanted to play the game, not ruin it.”

The NHL has already begun preparing their defense, with rumors that the city without a team that sends the largest detachment of soldiers to defend the offices would receive the next expansion franchises. Seattle and Las Vegas have reportedly sent the largest detachments so far. There are reports that the city of Hartford is still debating who to join, since the relocation of the Whalers has some feeling the sting of the Nordiques’ plight. However, the possibility of gaining an expansion franchise has some wanting to help the NHL.

So, let’s recap. The province of Quebec has declared war on the NHL for not giving them a team. The NHL plans to offer expansion franchises to whichever cities step up to defend the League. Let the great “Hockey War” commence!