REPORT: Red Sox 2013 title will be noted with an asterisk


#BostonStrong was the talk of the town after the Red Sox won their third (yeah, third. Those poor poor long suffering Boston fans) World Series title of the last decade. Well, according to a report, you will soon be noting it as #BostonStrong*. For the first time in MLB history, an asterisk is going to be used in the MLB record books. Bud Selig has decided that Boston’s worst to first title driven behind David Ortiz hitting approximately 2.000 in the World Series (yes, 200%, he was so hot he got multiple hits per at bat) was simply too unrealistic to happen without cheating and both the title and Ortiz’ MVP will be noted in the record books with an asterisk.

Bud Selig on his decision: “The integrity of the game is very important to me, and I can’t allow these obvious cheaters to ruin the purity of my sport. First of all, this title came with the Yankees not in the playoffs at all, can you even consider it a championship when that happens? I really don’t think so. That’s why I tried to cancel the playoffs originally ( Secondly, I heard David Ortiz batted 2.000 in the series. 200%? There’s no way he isn’t on some sort of Performance Enhancer. Remember he already admitted to it once? Everyone seems to conveniently forget that. So we’ll be noting this title with an asterisk to recognize how it wasn’t nearly as pure as all those wonderful Yankee titles.” Pure…right…that must be why he “conveniently” forgot to make A-Rod actually serve his suspension.

What do Red Sox fans think of this decision by Selig? We found one who was covered in Sam Adams stains that could barely stand up who had some thoughts, “Fawk you Bud Selig you fawkin fawk. I don’t fawkin spend all this fawkin money to have this fawkin bullshit happen. FAWK YOU, FAWK YOU, AND FAWK YOU. FAWK YOU ALL. ESPECIALLY THE YANKS. FAWK.” He swung his hand at the air and then fell over and passed out. Seems they’re not too fawkin happy. At least the ones that aren’t already passed out drunk. But hey titles are titles, Cub fans would give up their first born child for a title with an asterisk.

We asked a couple Cardinal fans what they thought of this and they couldn’t stop laughing, even making a bunch of really tasteless “jokes” about the Boston Marathon that we won’t re-publish. They’re true class acts. What about Bobby Valentine you say? “True justice. I set that team up last year, they don’t deserve to really celebrate my hard work. It’s tainted.” He laughed and then went back to reading his copy of “Baseball for dummies.” He’s been stuck on Chapter 1 for years now, he can’t quite seem to grasp the concept of the idea that you’re supposed to score more runs than the other team to win.

Despite it all, the Red Sox are still champs, again. So congrats to the Boston Red Sox, the 2013 World Series Champions* and David Ortiz the 2013 World Series MVP*.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>