REPORT: Due to injuries, Thunder to start Kevin Durant’s mom


Before the season, Thunder F Kevin Durant needed surgery and everyone thought “well it’s time for Russell Westbrook to show what he can do, because he’s sure as hell not going to let anyone else do it.”

Here was their opening night lineup:

That lasted about 5 quarters or so. Then he got hurt. Then Reggie Jackson did. Then Perry Jones did. Then Andre Roberson did. Then John Smith, a Thunder fan, tore his ACL just watching the game from his seat. It’s clear the team has some sort of demon curse on it. It’s amazing your eyes haven’t fallen out just reading this.

(NOTE: Our lawyer Saul Goodman has told us to inform you that by reading this, you agree to absolve us of all guilt if that actually happens. And if you claim you don’t agree to that, we’ll send you on a nice trip to Belize.)

Seems all those voodoo dolls and secret black coffee magic spells the people of Seattle have been casting for years are finally starting to work. Or this is Westbrook’s revenge for not getting his chance to show HE’S the man, he’s the man, he’s the mannnnnn (a simple Beats commercial would solve that). Or John Wall and Bradley Beal bought a hitman to “take care” of the Thunder roster so Durant would be ready to hit DC in 2016. Something.

So running out of answers, bodies, and liquor to ease the pain, according to a report, the Thunder have decided to turn to the 2013-14 MVP. No Kevin Durant’s not healthy yet. We’re talking about someone else.

That’s right, Kevin Durant’s mom.



Somehow still Thunder coach Scott Brooks: “I listened to Kevin’s MVP speech last year, and wondered why we weren’t starting her sooner. Kevin Durant was absolutely unreal last year. And he’s telling me there was someone even better? And we didn’t start her? Or even play her? I’ll take responsibility for that. That’s my fault. So it’s time. It’s time to see what the real MVP can do.”

When the media started asking him other questions like “What about Kendrick Perkins? Whose fault is he?” he disappeared faster than Heat fans after LeBron left Miami. Must’ve had an emergency.

But it’s official, Mama Durant will take over at PG. The rest of the roster will comprise whoever they’ve got left: Serge Ibaka, Steven Adams, any other relatives Kevin Durant can spare, some random fans, janitors, maybe even Scott Brooks himself. It’s going to resemble a co-ed office team you’d see at the Y.

Kevin Durant commented on his mom while tearing up: “It’s gonna be crazy to watch mama man. But she’s the real MVP. And I know no matter how ugly the team is around her, she’s going to make them better. And no matter what, we’ll still be better than the Lakers.”

He’s got a point there. Sorry Kobe.

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