REPORT: Girl that picks mascots is projected to win your bracket pool

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: March 19, 2014

You’ve probably got your NCAA Tournament bracket all set up, and you’ve reached the point of where you’re now tinkering with games and second, third, fourth, and fifth guessing yourself, likely switching winners to losers, and eventually turning yourself into Captain Hindsight when that becomes official during the tournament (“if only I had left that game alone I’d totally have won this thing” and other types of BS no one, not even yourself, believes). Regardless, it doesn’t even matter. None of it.

This will soon be you, telling your friends what you almost did or should have done.

Why? Well according to a report, the girl that picks winners by how cute their mascots are (yes, HER), is projected to kick your ass and win your bracket pool. Her logic of absolutely no logic whatsoever will make her a dominating force. Sure, the first few days will go well, and you’ll be feeling like “this is finally your year,” like when the Cleveland Browns start 2-0. But also like the Browns, the cold reality of the rest of the schedule will come crashing down on you like a helicopter piloted by Jim Irsay.

Ladies love the mascots.

Then, like when the Browns play actual NFL teams, the losses will start piling up. One of your final four teams will lose on an 80 foot behind the back buzzer beater heave to a team you had already projected lose. Your champ will go down to that team you had intended to pick, but just couldn’t because (insert reason that really isn’t that important here). That team you had picked to lose because you just can’t stand them, won’t stop winning (see what hating Duke too much does?) and you’ll go insane.

A look at your bracket in a few weeks (probably days)

Meanwhile, those cute fuzzy mascots will be crushing it and the girl who picked them will brag to everyone about how much more she knows about sports than you. Yes, it’s humiliating, considering how much you spent to buy in to the pool. You’ll learn what it feels like to lose to the Tankadelphia 76ers. You’ll learn why Desmond Bryant can’t keep his hands off that Jack Daniels bottle. You’ll learn why LeBron, Melo, etc take their talents to places where “winning” isn’t just something Charlie Sheen says.

But hey, it’s all part of the fun, remember? At least that’s what you’ll be telling your psychiatrist in a few weeks. Welcome to March Madness.