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REPORT: Richard Sherman tests positive for…well, everything

PissedRichardSherman

The greatest interview Erin Andrews has ever done (which amazingly didn’t involve her taking her clothes off) has been the topic of discussion from the moment FOX’s cameras cut away, afraid they might see Richard Sherman eat someone on live TV (had Crabtree’s head been available, that would’ve been his first choice.)

(If you somehow didn’t see the interview: notsportscenter.com/AndrewsSherman, and if you missed the meme Top 10: notsportscenter.com/ShermanMemes)

Naturally, the NFL was a little curious as to what Richard Sherman was on to cause him to be so angry. So they gave him an immediate urine test, and Sherman lit it up like it was a 49er WR coming across the middle against the Seahawks’ safeties. According to a report, after the game, Richard Sherman tested positive for adderall, crack, PCP, heroin, ketamine, 3 kinds of anabolic steroids, and a low grade beaver tranquilizer. If you can swallow it, snort it, or inject it, he was probably on it.

DodgeballDrugTestingCommittee

Richard Sherman’s drug testing committee

What kind of consequences is he facing for this? “Frankly I’m amazed the guy is even alive,” said Roger Goodell. “That’s the craziest test result I’ve ever seen since we checked Mark Sanchez’ brain and found he actually didn’t have brain damage. We thought sure that was why he was playing so bad, turns out he’s just you know, not that good. This was just as crazy. I mean Sherman was on a lot when I suspended him before, but damn. Special K? He ain’t playin around.” No he’s not.

But what about consequences? “Normal NFL rules call for an immediate 8 game suspension, $75,000 fine, possible deportation, maybe even the electric chair,” Goodell said. “But we’re not dealing with Ndamukong Suh, James Harrison or Ed Reed here. So I’m letting him go. I mean even if I did suspend him, he’d just appeal and get it overturned, and frankly, I’m getting tired of losing in court. It’s embarrassing. I must have the worst lawyer in the country. I better call Saul.”

SaulGoodman

Goodell’s next lawyer?

What did Sherman have to say about this turn of events? “WELL I’M THE BEST IN THE GAME! WHEN YOU TRY ME WITH A SORRY COMMISSIONER LIKE GOODELL, THAT’S THE RESULT YOU’RE GOING TO GET. DON’T YOU EVER TRY ME! LOB!” He then ran off to continue his Michael Crabtree manhunt. Roger Goodell was asked for a quote in a response to what Sherman said, but he reportedly just peed himself and then disappeared. Guess he wasn’t in a talking mood.

So Richard Sherman is free once again from potential punishment to join Team Adderall in the Super Bowl, where a defense strung out on just about everything gets to face a 37 year old QB with a bad neck. We could see the first public maiming in Super Bowl history. Might wanna Omaha out of this one, Peyton. Before it’s too late.

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