REPORT: SEC fans want to move to Africa for Auburn gear


As you might’ve heard, unless you’re Warren Sapp and can’t afford internet, phone, TV, cable, or even a newspaper, the SEC’s title streak was snapped at 7 by the Florida State Seminoles. But there’s one place where it didn’t get snapped: Africa. That’s right, in Africa thousands of “Auburn: 2013 National Champions” and “SEC: 8 straight” shirts, hats, and other merchandise that was printed for .000001% of what it sells for will arrive shortly. And as you can see below, children are very excited.


African kids’ reaction after hearing Auburn and SEC 8 straight shirts are coming

They aren’t the only ones. SEC fans are too, because they’ve found a way to keep the streak alive after all. And according to a report, many SEC fans are looking to move to Africa so they can walk around wearing “Auburn champions” and “SEC 8 straight” gear that will only be available there. As you can see below, they actually had a chance to order shirts online that said “Tigers 34, Noles 31″ but they were too busy sending death threats to former hero turned PI villain Chris Davis.


Florida State’s online store was drunk too.

(pic via @FTCSports)

Sadly, they couldn’t even get the right Chris Davis as Orioles 1B Chris Davis wounding up receiving dozens of angry, illegible death threats and “Jesus hates you” messages for committing “that pelaty thang,” whatever that is. Crush Davis is reportedly on his way to Alabama with a few dozen bats, ready to hit a few home runs with SEC fan heads.  So they want to escape to Africa, and fast. There’s only one problem. None of them can find Africa on a map. School isn’t really something they like.


An SEC Fan in Math class

So they started guessing where Africa is. “I think it’s in Georgia somewhere,” said Tom Jones, a 45 year old Tennessee fan, who has never actually been outside the state of Tennesee. “We should go there y’all for real. Maybe these “Africans” will speak better than that Jameson Whitston does. He needs to learns himself some English and talk like an edumacated SEC fan does. Just let me finish this bottle of moonshine. This 4X stuff is legit y’all. SEC is #1. VOLS FOR LIFE!”

Other fans chimed in responding to Tom. “No you idiot, it’s in Alabama. Canada’s in Georgia.” corrected Stephanie, an Alabama fan. “Africa’s where my wonderful husband and I got married. I’ve loved him ever since I first set eyes on him coming out of my mama’s womb. ROLL TIDE Y’ALL!” Nothing like the a birth of a child. And those words were just beautiful. She’s obviously a romantic. If she can’t find Africa, she should write for Hallmark.

But Liza, an Auburn fan, had other ideas. “Alabama screws up again. Africa is like this whole other state you idiots it can’t be in a state. It’s south of Florida. Why do you think they call Miami Little Africa? It’s because all the Africans have been moving from there. Duh. And this means we’re champs y’all…WE DOMINATE THE STATE OF BCS!WAR DAMN EAGLE!” If Liza seems surprisingly smart for an SEC fan, it’s because she is. A 1.4 GPA doesn’t happen by accident.

They’re all still arguing about where Africa is, and the only thing they can agree on so far is that Africa should be part of the SEC, at least the ones that don’t think it already is. And Chris Davis is headed there. Fast. Uh oh. Like the title game, this probably isn’t going to end well for the SEC. Oh well, whoever survives the wrath of Crush Davis should be able to repopulate the SEC fan base. They just gotta hit up a few family reunions first. S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!



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