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Inside Riley Cooper’s 4 days of “Counseling”
- Updated: August 7, 2013
In the span of 4 days, Eagles WR Riley Cooper went from “Racist” to “Rehabilitated.” How? It was a very simple program, completely made up on the fly. Makes it easier to pass that way.
Lesson 1: Don’t say any words that start with N, it’s much safer that way. Nice is gone, but nobody is nice anymore. Of course nobody is gone too. As is no. With the word no out of your vocabulary, you become a spineless yes man. Everyone loves a spineless yes man. “Can you carry my pads Riley?” “Will you get me some drinks Riley? “Can I borrow $500,000 Riley?” Having to answer yes to all of those and more will make him pretty popular pretty quickly. As in “Yes Foles, you do suck.”
Lesson 2: No more Kenny Chesney concerts, in fact, no more country music period. Sure, that seems discriminatory in the other direction, but nobody cares about that. Plus country music teaches us to do things like drink beer and lord knows there’s enough drunks in the NFL as it is. Then you’d have to go to “substance abuse training” and that’s just four more days of pretending like you’re actually accomplishing something. So stay away from country music. You’re in Philadelphia, that should be obvious.
Lesson 3: If someone on twitter offers you tape of you being an idiot, for god’s sake BUY THE THING. You’ve got hundreds of thousands of dollars. Sure it’s extortion but it’s for a few hundred bucks. Give the trolls their money so they can go blow it on weed and get arrested for possession. Then you can laugh at them for how stupid they are. Isn’t that worth a few hundred dollars instead of getting harassed in the media on a daily basis? Of course it is.
That’s it. Riley pulled this off in 4 days (which might be slightly alarming that it took him 4 days) and then was right back at practice. In his first quote to the media on what it was like being back at practice, he said: “It was fun, I missed it. These ni…guys are crazy.” Awww look at that…he almost slipped up and he caught himself. How impressive, he’s learned so much. Our little racist is all grown up.
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