REPORT: Aaron Rodgers wants a raise to $100 billion per year


On Thanksgiving day a team was out gained about 50 billion to 10, lost by 30 on the scoreboard, and fell into third place with extremely faint playoff hopes. No, it actually was NOT the Lions this time. Seriously, it wasn’t. Detroit ripped the pants off of Green Bay and made them walk back to Wisconsin (metaphorically, people. Aka not real, like this…never mind.), beating them 40-10, a score that wasn’t nearly that close. It was Detroit’s first Turkey day win since the Stone Age 2003, also when they beat the Packers.

As you might imagine, there are repercussions from being beaten to a bloody pulp, including, you know, no longer being alive. Aaron Rodgers watched the game from the sideline, and started counting dollar signs with every yard Detroit put up (can you blame him?), as you can see below:


(GIF via @SBNationGIF)

Detroit was putting up yards faster than Aaron was chewing bubbles. By the time the game was over, according to a report, Rodgers told the team he wanted a raise to $100 billion per year. Yes, billion. With a B. Like 100 million but with 3 more zeroes. Like 100 with 9 more zeroes. Yeah. An official buttload.

(Note: if you still don’t understand what 100 and 9 more zeroes is, please do not pursue work in retail. Sure, it’ s simple work, but there’s enough people that don’t know how many quarters are in a dollar as it is. Try trash collection. You don’t even have to get out of the truck anymore! They have claws that do the work for you. Very cushy.)

Reportedly, this is how the interaction went down between Rodgers and Packers GM Ted Thompson over the phone:

-Rodgers: “Ted, did you watch this disaster?”

-Thompson: “Yes, that Selena Gomez halftime show was embarrassing. She was talking over her “singing.” Remind me to keep her far, far away from Lambeau.”

-Rodgers: “No you fool, our game.”

-Thompson: “Oh, that. Yeah. I…………well……..we……..scored on defense? That was pretty cool right?”

-Rodgers: “It’s Matt Stafford. My little sister could score points off of him.”

-Thompson: “Ugh, you’re probably right.”

-Rodgers: “I want a raise. 100 billion per year.”

-Thompson: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that’s hilarious.”

-Rodgers: (heavy breathing)

-Thompson: “You’re kidding, right?”

-Rodgers: (more heavy breathing)

-Thompson: “Please tell me you’re kidding, Aaron. We just gave you an extension this year.”

-Rodgers: (heavy breathing mixed with grumbling)

-Thompson: “Oh my god, you’re not kidding.”

-Rodgers: “NO I’M NOT YOU IDIOT. I WANT THIS ASAP. Or I’m done. @*$@ this @$@*$-ing piece of dog@$@$ team and your ^@#$ @&*@-ing “defense.” It’s a joke.”

(Rodgers hangs up)

-Thompson: “I’m so sorry Aaron.”

(phone starts beeping)

(Thompson cries)

-Female voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

-Thompson: “Aaron is this your wife? She sounds hot.”

-Male voice: “No you moron, that was an automated phone message. This is not. Hang up the god damn phone.”

-Thompson: “Oh…..”

At that point, Thompson finally hung up the phone. And then cried some more.

According to sources, he’s called Roger Goodell asking if he can backload 999 trillion dollars onto his 2030 salary cap so that Rodgers will fit under the cap during his playing years. Thompson is confident that if he can pull that off, he can just cut a check for Rodgers with nothing but a 1 and zeroes on it, and immediately declare bankruptcy. Then all he has to do is ask President Obama for a bailout, and presto, his $100 billion per year QB is under the salary cap and paid for by the U.S. government.

That’s quite a plan Thompson has, maybe the Packers aren’t screwed after all. Of course they have to get their star QB healthy and keep him and his “sophisticated” mustache out of jail again ( ). Good luck with that.

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