Aaron Rodgers’ mustache gets him arrested on rape charges


“Why don’t you take a seat?” Normally these words are reserved for Chris Hansen, but on Monday night they were uttered by Bears DE Shea McClellin, who knocked Aaron Rodgers out of the game on a first quarter sack. If you’re wondering who Shea McClellin is and where he came from, so are the Bears, who hadn’t seen him at all since drafting him the first round in 2012. They even had his face on Milk cartons…no responses. Suddenly out of nowhere, Shea has a 3 sack night and knocks out Rodgers in the process.

As if getting knocked out by a guy who wasn’t aware that a “sack” was even an official NFL statistic wasn’t insulting enough, it only got worse for Aaron Rodgers from there. After the game, a Lambeau Field security guard took one look at Rodgers looking like he does in the above picture and immediately placed him under arrest. “It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen,” said Lambeau security guard Paul Blart. He immediately placed Rodgers under arrest and filed rape charges against him.

“I mean LOOK at him, he clearly must’ve done something horrible,” said a clearly scared and confused Blart, who just started working at Lambeau two days earlier. “This guy is scarier than Jason, Freddy Kreuger, Ted Bundy, and John Wayne Gacy combined. He needs to go away for a long long time, for the sake of the Green Bay community and for our children. Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children?” Seems like Blart spent a little too much time watching the Simpsons and not enough time watching NFL Football.

Nevertheless, Roger Goodell has supported Blart’s decision. Take a wild guess why. “If Mr. Blart feels Aaron Rodgers is a danger to the community, then he’s a clear danger to my players as well. I support Mr. Blart’s decision as being in the best interest of player safety,” said a happier than he probably should be Roger Goodell who found yet another place to push his agendas. Between his possibly broken collarbone and these rape “charges”, it looks like Rodgers will be out quite a while. How does the NFC North feel about this?

“Hahahaha Bro, I’m the best QB in the North now, and all I ever do is lob it up to Calvin Johnson. I don’t even look. This is amazing,” said Matthew Stafford.

“Finally. I’ll have a chance to actually beat Green Bay now,” said Jay Cutler.

“LOLOLOLOL no you won’t,” said Clay Matthews via text.

“Anyone got a copy of football for dummies? I lost mine,” said a confused Christian Ponder.

“Damn, I really should’ve demanded a trade,” said Adrian Peterson.

With Rodgers out for a while, the North is now wide open, except of course to Minnesota, who are still working on figuring out what a “forward pass” is. Sorry Adrian.

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  1. Pingback: REPORT: Aaron Rodgers wants a raise to $100 billion per year - NOTSportsCenter

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