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SOURCE: Bulls PG Derrick Rose to finally return in 2024, just long enough to retire

Derrick Rose

Ever since Derrick Rose went down with his torn ACL in the playoffs, the chatter has been “when is he going to return?” and “why is it taking so long?” and “would it have been different with different shoes?” To answer the last question: yes. Obviously it would’ve been different with different shoes, you think he tears an ACL while wearing army boots? Come on now. And now that we’ve said this, expect Adidas to release their new “ADIZERO Basketball Army Boots: designed to ensure your opponent will never have children again,” in which case we want some royalties. Checks only.

Unfortunately for Derrick, Adrian Peterson’s inhuman recovery from a torn ACL didn’t help his case. Neither did saying he’s going to wait until he’s 110%. Yes, he said 110%. This is the kind of math you’d expect from someone who had to have someone else take the SAT for him. It’s really only surprising that he didn’t say NEGATIVE 110%. So unless he knows how to sprout a third arm or leg or some other extra body part that we won’t mention (there’s a vomit bag at the end of the article, just keep reading), it could be a while before he’s “110%.”

Well, NOTSC has learned exactly how long that “a while” will be. According to sources, he’s going to come back in 2024, just long enough to retire. He says: “I want to be in the NBA but I can’t be too careful.” Now the first thing you might be asking is “would they really re-sign him if he had sat out for years?” And the answer is of course they would. As it is now, people are having heart attacks over every move he makes now. “OH MY GOD HE’S DRINKING WATER ON THE BENCH, THAT MEANS HE’S COMING BACK SOON RIGHT?” Uh…sure. Sure it does.

Just imagine the marketing slogans that can be built around Derrick’s “mission” to get to 110%.
“The 2014 Chicago Bulls: THIS COULD BE THE YEAR. SERIOUSLY, IT COULD. NO, REALLY.”
“The 2016 Chicago Bulls: THE SAGA CONTINUES. COME ON, YOU’VE SAT THROUGH CRAPPIER MOVIE SEQUELS.”
“The 2019 Chicago Bulls: DERRICK’S TRYING TO GROW A 2ND HEAD, WHO CARES ABOUT LAST PLACE?”
“The 2021 Chicago Bulls: COME SIT NEXT TO DERRICK ON THE BENCH AND PLAY FOR US!”
“The 2023 Chicago Bulls: PLEASE COME SEE US, PLEASE? WE’RE DOWN TO 5 FANS NOW.”

Despite being told this news, Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau remains optimistic that Rose’s return will happen soon. Here’s what he told one of our sources: “I’ve had to work with Nate Robinson. NATE. ROBINSON. If I’ve had to coach one of Santa’s elves, it’s only fair that I get my superstar back, and soon. I mean…please? I can only pay for so much more therapy. Screaming COME BACK DERRICK! DERRICK COME BACK! in your sleep apparently isn’t normal.”

Obviously Derrick’s injury has impacted everyone from fans to management to even the coach. And if he follows through on this reported plan, he’ll have been in the NBA 16 seasons by the time 2024 rolls around. Sure he’ll only have played 4 seasons, sure his teams will get progressively worse, sure he’ll probably be universally hated. But who cares? Thanks to sneaker (and now Army Boot) deals with Adidas, he’ll be rich. VERY rich. And he’ll be a pro athlete that will have sat on his butt for 12 years and been paid huge amounts of money for it. It’s the American Dream.

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