Royals Liquidating Assets To Acquire Cano


Tired of seeing their best players inevitably end up with the Yankees, the Kansas City Royals are preparing to turn the tables on their large market antagonists.  Following is an ad found on Craigslist promoting the franchise’s fundraising efforts.

Always wanted to own a piece of a Major League Baseball team? Your time has come. The Kansas City Royals are proud to announce that virtually every aspect of the organization is now for sale. We are attempting to raise enough money to afford the most prized free agent of the offseason: Robinson Cano.

Want to own a seat from Kauffman Stadium? No problem. If we sign Cano, fans will be willing to sit on concrete slabs to watch us play. Most seats are like brand new as they have rarely been used.

How about bottled water from the “water spectacular” fountains beyond the right field fence? We can make that happen. We will also rent the fountain area out to any team interested in using it to celebrate a recent NL West division championship.

With Christmas right around the corner, a minor league team would make a great gift. Get that “Breaking Bad” fan in your life the Wilmington Blue Rocks (move them to Albuquerque and hire mascots Badger & Skinny Pete). Also available is the Chukars located in Idaho Falls (not to be confused with the Chokers located in Anaheim).

We will accept offers on anything and everything including: naming rights to the stadium, George Brett’s last game-worn pine tar-encrusted jock strap, pitcher Wade Davis, our lapdance-loving mascot Sluggerrr, Mike Moustakas’ glove (please take Mike Moustakas’ glove), etc.

Only super serious offers only. Buyer must claim merchandise on site. We accept cash, PayPal, Bitcoin or used copies of “Moneyball”.

While we are completely unbiased – after all, it has been proven that we hate all 30 MLB teams – we are willing to help the Royals make this happen. NOTSportsCenter Stadium sounds pretty good to us.

Should Cano indeed sign a contract with Kansas City, it would mark the first time anyone in the midwest has payed to own a Jay-Z product.


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